dala ng kalituhan

alam mo ba yung tumblr? hindi ko siya maintindihan.

tinitignan ko kung para saan ang mga pindutan don, anong ginagawa nun? tsh

nagtataka ako kung pano ko na "like this" ang reblog ni reyvan

nagulat ako na post na pala ang pic ko, kala ko naguupload ako ng profile pic eh

naguguluhan ako sa bagay bagay, sa mga kaganapan.

so habang nakatulala at pinaglalaruan ang labi ko sa harap screen ng laptop ko...

iniisip ko kung ano ang tumblr, pero higit sa lahat bakita ako nandito?

bago ko ipress yung pindutan na magsasign-in sakin sa tumblr

sabi ko di ko iiwan ang blogger ko "he's my first" (ayyy)

he knows the aggressive side of me, the positions im in, he has that perfect view of me.

(landeh) yes, i love him. he's been in me...he knows the inside of me. (lustful much)

mahirap mangiwan, pero higit sa lahat mahirap maiwanan

si tumblr. pinasok ko ang mundo niya, hindi niya ako pinapapasok. he leaves me full of questions, uncertainties and clueless. im trying to reach out, pero hindi eh. tinatanong ko nga ang followers niya kung pano siya maintindihan pero walang makasagot sakin kung pano.

tumblr. A world im in, but i dont understand why im here.

parang sa puso niya...(sino yung "niya")

***

Be strong for it. Love is not for the weak heart

dala ito ng kagustuhan kong magsulat, at kalituhan sa mga bagay sa tumblr

sa kagustuhan kong ika'y maging akin, kalituhan kung anong rason

(waaah)

Sana

I was sitting in the café, thinking very deeply what to say. And finally when I was composing the speech, the novela building up in my mind, he steps in the room and sits in front of me…

A simple exchange of greeting, an offer for a cup of coffee.

He smiles, holds my hand. I just couldn’t take any more of his sweetness

He’s just too perfect…but…

I slowly drew back my hand to myself and words were just fleeting out of my mouth. One by one

“I know you like me, but you don’t want me…”

he sat back and laid himself cozily on the chair. He knew this was going to be a speech. I continued…

“I’m not asking for any label to be put on us, but I have to put an end to the joy and misery when I’m with you. I make you happy, I know. I also know its not enough. I’m not what you’re looking for everyday, and I don’t think I have to be.”

His mind looks so puzzled, I began to be puzzled too..

“I love you (words were literally flying off) and I don’t know if that’s the way you feel.”

He was about to utter something, but I stopped him. I just had to finish this monologue

“Every time I see you online, when you send me a text message. Especially when its unexpected. Because shamefully I wait for your text. When you comment on my posts. When I see you across the street, when your far and you see me, you smile…its just as if my knees want to beg down the floor and ask you to come to me…I get weak. I just cant help it. my heart throttles…then I snap back to reality. You were never mine, you were yourselfs. you don’t need me, anyone could be in my place...my role in your life is easy…to make you smile everyday. To reassure you that you have me. Anybody would want to be in my place, I can be replaced easily.”

he leans forward, looks at me intently and says, “what’s your point?”

I asked myself what is my point? What is MY POINT…

“My point is…I want to break up with you, before you break up with me”

and to top this dramatic scene, a walk out. I stood up, walked right out of the door and continued to walk…and walk and then I said to myself. “what the f*ck was I doing?”

I was walking and walking. A headache was coming up, such a drama queen I am…then I heard a voice calling out to me…I didn’t turn my back.. I had to be firm with my walk out and I didn’t want to make this any cheesier…he grabbed my hand and said

“you did not pay your bill”

I was in RAGE…I was digging through my bag. Looking for my wallet. I was crying already. If there was such thing as tears falling like its raining cats and dogs. I think I was. I was so pissed he followed me for that? Argh.. I found my wallet, I opened it was taking out the money … then he hugged me.

He whispered “You always knew what to say. Thank you, I love you too. Good bye for now” a smile, wiped my tears he continued “you’re strong, one thing I loved about you” a smirk on his face…then he left

What a scene, what drama this was. There was still a happy ending.

Till we meet again, good sir

Just Me

When will it ever be just ME

My life, my decisions, my mistakes and my victor

Every young girl wanted to be a princess

red carpets always laid in front of your feet

a feast prepared for the ball

a prince charming among the royalties

But where is the fun in that? everyday is fixed.

You wake up, you get dressed.

You smile and wave to everybody even if it’s a grumpy day for you

Your life is all planned and controlled.

I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THAT

I’am Nicole. You are Brix, you are Avi, you are Sonny, You are Robin, Bodee, Rich and Zach. I’am Nicole.

This is my life. You have yours to control.

It should just be ME

My life, my decisions, my mistakes, my victor

yakap na di bibitiw

Lakad ka ng lakad paikot ikot sa walang hanggan

Isip ka ng isip walang pasikotsikot nablablanko ka na

Hawak sariling mga kamay, palibhasa’y wala kang kasama

Titigil, tutulala kasi di mo masabi kung san ka nila pupuntahan

“Hindi nila maintindihan, kasi hindi nila alam”

parang sirang plakang paulit ulit na tumatakbo sa iyong isipan

Uupo sa tuwing nakaramdam ng sakit, nanghihina ka na

Lalabanan, tatayo muli at maglalakad…mahuhulog sa sahig

Isa isa ng papatak ang mga problema sa mata, ang mga luha

Dalawang palad na magtatakip sa iyong kahihiyan

Nakatungo ang ulo, bakas ang kahihiyan.

Makakatulog sa iyak, magigising…

mag-isa…habang yakapyakap ka ng problema.

CASA GA

last year's GA was the first time i ever performed infront of the CA crowd :)

it was rewarding and FUN, though i barely knew the steps.. i dont care i was there performing

this year, im not only performing a piece, im performing MY piece...and it will be much more rewarding and i will have much much more fun :) i cant wait

dancing is one of my true loves. and i dont think it will ever fade away...hopefully

...hmmmmmm

i want a flower when i step of stage. that would top the ice cream :)

OWN THE STEP applies to dancing and life decisions

listen

luha.

kung ako lang ang iniintindi ko feeling ko magiging masaya ako. pero dahil madami akong mahal sa buhay...may katapusan ang kasiyahan. ang problema nila ay problema ko din. hindi nila kasalanan yun, choice ko to empathize and sympathize with them. pero hindi yun ang gusto kong ilabas dito...

choice.

usually things go well for me. for some reason i dont know, everything just falls into its place. i get to cross the raging river because i see the stones i can step on to get to the other side. pero pag dating sa ibang tao...i fight the current...its not mine, its theirs.

he was young. he does whatever he wants to do. no pain, no amount, no nothing can make him stop. is he afraid of anything? maybe. he'd show you he's afraid but he's willing to take it. STRONG? no. strength does not mean tolerating pain, being able to say no bribery. i dont know what strong means. what makes a strong person or whatever.

im at a lost. i dont know what to do with him, he's so young. he does whatever he wants, he doesnt care about what may happen to him. as long as it makes him happy, he's ok with it. he shows me when he's afraid but is able to shrug it off. he's not strong, i see.

he just needs someone who can...

my brother...what happened to you

lobo

tumitibok. tumatakbo. lumalayo. aalis. nalilito.

kelan kaya ako mapapagod

bawat oo may pait na balik

hindi na natuto

bawat isa ay iba

nagtatago sa likod ng ngiti ang sakit, mahirap

nahihirapan. hinihingal. naglalakad. naghahanap

di pa rin ako pagod

kasama ko nanaman ang sarili ko

magisa walang kasama

tatawa. mukhang ok, pero wala ng hangin ang lobo

sino magaabot ng bagong lobo na may hangin?

aantayin ko ang araw na yun.

sana sa pagdating mo, hindi pa rin ako napapagod.

regret

because of that question i got myself thinking for 3days now



i have had quite a number of relationships. some of them just flings but never the less didn't just play around. i took the chance, the risk with my whole heart and never regretted anything.
until last tuesday...

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET..
i was thinking and thinking...wala naman...then thinking and thinking...ok nagiisip ako meaning meron...thinking and thinking... WHY? ... think...
WHY!
yun na yun
I DIDNT ASK WHY

i had 4 boyfriends and quite a number of flings? ok madaming flings fine. when they all left me..i never bothered to ask WHY.

Grade 6.: Together for 4 months, i think. it was a puppy love text thing and good lunches together :) it was cute. Months passed, i felt something wrong :) i was all giggly about it because I knew before hand. i had that sneaky feeling, i was a kid...i barely call this a relationship (now). so there, he called me and told me he's been thinking about this girl lately..i giggled because i knew it wasnt me.. he got kinda pissed so i tried to stop the giggling. Then he told me he liked my good friend dyan, and i said "go! crush ka din nun eh" it was that easy.
but i never asked why her not me

2nd yr HS: My loves for 3 months. i broke a lot of hearts when the world knew i have him, i had 4 suitors then. it was unexpected. it was all of a sudden, it was him and me, it was us. it was a funny relationship. this was a chat, talk, eat thing and sweet see you laters. it was summer time, and if you're a student hiding a relationship summer time was just the hardest. i missed him but...i knew he didn't. we got to talk over the phone. i tried to lambing him but im not really good at that hahaha. (fastforward: back to school) i called him using my cellphone (to their landline he didnt have a cellphone) i asked how he was and all then
he asked "gusto mo pa ba?"i said "ng?" "eto,tayo. gusto mo pa ba ituloy" "ahhh ikaw magdecide" "ehhh ikaw babae ikaw dapat nagdedecide" "sino ba nagsabi na babae dapat magdecide? Go." "wag na lang?" "okay" "okay ka lang?" "yup" "ah cge bye" (drop call) then i found myself singing...IM FREE, FREE. IM FREEEEE yeah.
now, i think. i never asked why it was all of a sudden

4th yr hs: highschool sweethearts for 2 years and 5months. i love listening to problems, he had a lot. i listened. he talked and wept and smiled. i looked at him and thought about it. his heart was pure and all he needed was someone who will accept him and be there for him, little did i know, ill play that part. from his broken heart we started to be friends, then i became his girlfriend. lesson learned: its not my role to mend a broken heart, because i can never patch things that he lost with the other...i didnt hear from him for a month...it was over...then he called...not directly saying it but he wanted me to wait for him til he finds himself. again not my role to play. I said "thank you at least now i know" thats all that mattered to me, to hear him talk...well he didnt say it directly but knowing him i understood.

but i never asked why he didnt contact me for a month.

4th yr college: my source of happiness for 3months. we just clicked, he was adventurous, a thrill seeker, fun, game, mature... he was somewhat like me. it was all so fast. i didnt even see it coming. it was a rollercoaster ride, and oh how i love roller coaster rides. i knew we can deal with anything...hindi pala. I can deal with anything...he couldnt. He was strong, but his heart for me was weak...i understood where he was coming from. it was normal, and i somehow expected the break up but didnt really embraced the thought. mind over matter, but i loved him...it was heart over matter...or maybe it was denial...1 cold week...then my hatest words came out from his mouth "ayaw ko na"...i understood and accepted.

i listened to solemn music and thought "WHY?"

im a hopeless romantic. when it comes to love i never ask why.

why? because i knew them well and i never wasted any moment.

it was a good run... :)

(but i still regret it haha)