I miss you

isa pang 3-words na mabigat sakin ay ang I MISS YOU. i could tell this to anyone anytime, but i could let someone feel this rarely. Iba ako makamiss, i make time to let you know i really missed you. you dont have to miss me back, you just have to be there too.

macho kung macho pero pag dating sa mga close friends ko dun ako mas vulnerable. they are the ones who can really break my heart and have me crying for days. mga boyfriend? pfft no need for tears, they come to your life and they can leave. but friends? they come and stay.

"its one thing to appreciate, to care and to love but to be appreciated, to be cared for and to be loved is another"

Eto nanaman tayo

isang malaki at mabigat na tanong, bigla akong napaupo at napaisip.

handa na ba ko ulit? kayanin ko ba ang hamon ito na isa ring pangako?

minsan ng napasakin ang isang tulad mo, ngayon at nagbabalik...mahirap magsabi ng oo.

nanahimik ako ng ilang sandali, at nag bitaw ng ilang salita pero parang wala kang narinig.

eto nanaman tayo.

hindi ko alam kung ikaw ang naririnig ko o ang bibig mo lamang.

hindi ko alam kung bumaba ba ang kisame o bumigat yung pakiramdam sa kwarto.

gusto ko sana lumabas ng kwarto pero walang pintuan.

wala akong ibang choice kung hindi pakinggan ang gusto mong sabihin at gusto mong malaman ko.

dada ka ng dada may nakikinig ba? naririnig ko ba? nasasabi mo ba ang gusto mong iparating?

hirap akong humindi pero eto na ata ang unang pagkakataon

magdidive ba ako sa pool na may sign na 2ft? kakagat ba ako sa sandwich na alam kong puro gulay ang laman? manunuod ba ako ng 12pm sa abs kung alam kong mabwibwiset nanaman ako kay willie?

HINDI. AYAW KO. WAG NA

matuto na tayo sa nangyari dati, wag ng hayaan maulit pa.

harapin ang problema, wag taguan wag layuan.

When you’re in a shit hole

Have you ever experienced sitting in class and being quiet? When in reality you’re not that type of person. You’re not quiet, you’re usually the one making noise. The one that the teacher hushes during classes. Well it happened to me. That’s when I started thinking…

You get into high school or college and you find your “comfort zone” among the many faces in the crowd. But you have to be careful for those faces can turn to evil glares when you turn your back. Sometimes this jolly person you see, is the number back stabber you’ll ever meet. The person in the group who hangs on to anyone just to stay in the group wouldn’t be there for too long. The bossy will always be shut out. But those who learn to keep things to themselves and does not mind who they are with, will stay. Not necessarily the same crowd but they will stay. It’s hard to find strong friends, strong enough to take in the foul stench of your being.

I’m barely close with anybody because I don’t think I don’t have to be close with everybody. I’m a person hard to understand. That’s why only a few really know me. I’m not complaining, I’m informing. I always loved small circle of friends, it was always better that way. But my perky stature in the society draws in friends, and I can’t help but talk to them. Sometimes you need a breather from the same crowd, you want and find something new. I think this time, ill be thinking about myself. Putting me at the top of my priority list. I’ll think of pleasing myself and making me happy. I always cared for others, and I know I did my part already. Change is a very strong word, and if I do change for this, as long as I’m happy, I won’t change back. I can’t take back what has been lost, I can’t take back what has happened. I’ll just keep moving forward, and whoever stays with me in my journey of life, well I’m thankful and blessed to have you aboard.

Everybody has their shitty days.

yakap na di bibitiw

Lakad ka ng lakad paikot ikot sa walang hanggan

Isip ka ng isip walang pasikotsikot nablablanko ka na

Hawak sariling mga kamay, palibhasa’y wala kang kasama

Titigil, tutulala kasi di mo masabi kung san ka nila pupuntahan

“Hindi nila maintindihan, kasi hindi nila alam”

parang sirang plakang paulit ulit na tumatakbo sa iyong isipan

Uupo sa tuwing nakaramdam ng sakit, nanghihina ka na

Lalabanan, tatayo muli at maglalakad…mahuhulog sa sahig

Isa isa ng papatak ang mga problema sa mata, ang mga luha

Dalawang palad na magtatakip sa iyong kahihiyan

Nakatungo ang ulo, bakas ang kahihiyan.

Makakatulog sa iyak, magigising…

mag-isa…habang yakapyakap ka ng problema.

regret

because of that question i got myself thinking for 3days now



i have had quite a number of relationships. some of them just flings but never the less didn't just play around. i took the chance, the risk with my whole heart and never regretted anything.
until last tuesday...

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET..
i was thinking and thinking...wala naman...then thinking and thinking...ok nagiisip ako meaning meron...thinking and thinking... WHY? ... think...
WHY!
yun na yun
I DIDNT ASK WHY

i had 4 boyfriends and quite a number of flings? ok madaming flings fine. when they all left me..i never bothered to ask WHY.

Grade 6.: Together for 4 months, i think. it was a puppy love text thing and good lunches together :) it was cute. Months passed, i felt something wrong :) i was all giggly about it because I knew before hand. i had that sneaky feeling, i was a kid...i barely call this a relationship (now). so there, he called me and told me he's been thinking about this girl lately..i giggled because i knew it wasnt me.. he got kinda pissed so i tried to stop the giggling. Then he told me he liked my good friend dyan, and i said "go! crush ka din nun eh" it was that easy.
but i never asked why her not me

2nd yr HS: My loves for 3 months. i broke a lot of hearts when the world knew i have him, i had 4 suitors then. it was unexpected. it was all of a sudden, it was him and me, it was us. it was a funny relationship. this was a chat, talk, eat thing and sweet see you laters. it was summer time, and if you're a student hiding a relationship summer time was just the hardest. i missed him but...i knew he didn't. we got to talk over the phone. i tried to lambing him but im not really good at that hahaha. (fastforward: back to school) i called him using my cellphone (to their landline he didnt have a cellphone) i asked how he was and all then
he asked "gusto mo pa ba?"i said "ng?" "eto,tayo. gusto mo pa ba ituloy" "ahhh ikaw magdecide" "ehhh ikaw babae ikaw dapat nagdedecide" "sino ba nagsabi na babae dapat magdecide? Go." "wag na lang?" "okay" "okay ka lang?" "yup" "ah cge bye" (drop call) then i found myself singing...IM FREE, FREE. IM FREEEEE yeah.
now, i think. i never asked why it was all of a sudden

4th yr hs: highschool sweethearts for 2 years and 5months. i love listening to problems, he had a lot. i listened. he talked and wept and smiled. i looked at him and thought about it. his heart was pure and all he needed was someone who will accept him and be there for him, little did i know, ill play that part. from his broken heart we started to be friends, then i became his girlfriend. lesson learned: its not my role to mend a broken heart, because i can never patch things that he lost with the other...i didnt hear from him for a month...it was over...then he called...not directly saying it but he wanted me to wait for him til he finds himself. again not my role to play. I said "thank you at least now i know" thats all that mattered to me, to hear him talk...well he didnt say it directly but knowing him i understood.

but i never asked why he didnt contact me for a month.

4th yr college: my source of happiness for 3months. we just clicked, he was adventurous, a thrill seeker, fun, game, mature... he was somewhat like me. it was all so fast. i didnt even see it coming. it was a rollercoaster ride, and oh how i love roller coaster rides. i knew we can deal with anything...hindi pala. I can deal with anything...he couldnt. He was strong, but his heart for me was weak...i understood where he was coming from. it was normal, and i somehow expected the break up but didnt really embraced the thought. mind over matter, but i loved him...it was heart over matter...or maybe it was denial...1 cold week...then my hatest words came out from his mouth "ayaw ko na"...i understood and accepted.

i listened to solemn music and thought "WHY?"

im a hopeless romantic. when it comes to love i never ask why.

why? because i knew them well and i never wasted any moment.

it was a good run... :)

(but i still regret it haha)

cinderella

midnight. tatakbo. maiiwan ang shoe. pahihirapan ng prince ang kanyang mga tao para mahanap siya ulit.

chances, oppurtunities, time. nanghihinayang ako i can do much, experience a lot. pero pigil pa ang lahat, nakapostpone. PG. parental guidance. PC. parents consent. kainis. 

para akong si cinderella na may hangganan ang oras. pero pwede naman kasi pa magstay sa ball kasama ni prince charming, tatanggapin naman siya kahit rags ang suot niya. kung ako lang si cinderella..magstastay ako eh. i had that dance with prince charming and im happy. now its time for him to see who i am, at risk yun. 

EVERYTHING IS A RISK

ang tanong are you willing to take the risk? dalawang tao lang ang matatakot sa risk.

yung nagtry tapos bad experience, at tiyaka yung nakarinig ng kwento nung may bad experience.

dun sa may bad experience. 

How can you experience if all you do is want the good experiences? i mean kung parating good...magiging normal na yan sayo. kasi lagi na nga lang eh. dont let those bad experiences haunt you and kill you from experiencing other stuff. 

ITS OK TO BE AFRAID, but its NEVER OK TO LET IT STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU WANT.

dun sa nakarinig lang ng kwento

naman. ikaw ba siya? bago ka magsalita. subukan mo muna...kung lahat ng kwento ay paniniwalaan mo sinasabi ko sayo ngayon may multo matakot ka! 

joke lang. wag kang mag depend sa kwento kwento. mas maganda pa rin ang 1st hand experience. 

ok lang naman. oo bata pa ako...maeexperience, magagawa ko pa ang lahat. malapit na nga naman gragraduate na ako..

pero kasi darating na ang midnight...yung mga tao na kasama ko ngayon walang kasigurduhan na andito pa sila, baka para sila yung sapatos na maiwan ni cinderella sa stairs. baka kayo yung mga tao na mawala sakin. onti lang ang prince charming friends ko na maghahanap talaga sakin. at pagnahanap ako ng prince charming friends ko, dala dala niya yung mga sapatos kong kaibgan. 

eh pano kung di ako mahanap? hindi na ako ang fit sa shoe size na yun. edi wala na.

ITS A RISK IM WILLING TO TAKE

ULAN

Ano ang ginagawa mo pag umuulan?

Hindi ako nagpapayong, ayaw ko. kasi gusto kong nararamdaman ko ang patak ng ulan. Sabi nila pag di ako nagpayong magkakasakit ako. ok lang magkasakit ganun talaga, patatagan na lang ng resistensya.

Pag umuulan. parang nakasilip lang ang mata ko, tinitignan ng mabuti kung saan pang pwede dumaan, tapos babalik ang tingin sa gustong puntahan.

Naglalakad ako ng parang walang ulan. Normal lang. kasi alam ko lilipas din siya. kahit ano pa sigurong bagyo ang dumating maglalakad pa rin ako ng normal sa ulan

Pero mas pinapanuod ko ang bawat yapak ko. ang babagal ng tao maglakad, nagsisigawan kapag nakaapak ng "puddle of water". Ganun din ako, ayaw kong bumaon pa ang paa ko sa tubig kasi magiging paksiw ang paa ko haha

Kung bumaha, eh wala akong magagawa. Lulusubin ko ang baha, onting lakad lang bababaw din hanggang makapatong ka sa may mataas na patag.

Ganyan ako sa problema.

Ayaw ko ng nagtatago, nagtatakip gusto ko hinaharap ko ang problema. Ok lang masaktan ganun yun eh, haharapin ko siya. pag may problema kahit gano pa kahirap iisa lang ang aim mo, masolve siya at matuto from there. hahanap ka ng paraan para malutas mo ang hinaharap mo. normal ang problema sa buhay, kaya di ka dapat mawindang, dahan dahan lang kasi baka madulas ka, tignan ang pwedeng gawin para hindi na bumaon pa ang problema. Kung tingin mong wala na kasi masyado ng malaki ang problema..nagkakamali ka. kaya mo pa rin. mas mahirap lang pero makakahanap ka din ng paraan.