1+1 = 1

im no quitter. i dont give up that easily. for this matter i wont give up at all. if there's one thing in your life you truly want to have, you do everything and whatever it takes just to get it. may mga bagay pala talagang ganun.

kahit na ayaw sakin ng math noon pa, sinusubukan ko siyang intindihin at tanggapin kasi part na siya ng buhay ko. 1+1 = 2. pag pinagsama ang isang bagay at isa pang bagay edi dalawa na sila. tama nga naman pero sa usapang pag-ibig. pag pinagsama ang isang tao at isa pang tao...magiging isa sila. 1+1=1. ang math kasi wag gamitin sa pag-ibig. magkakagulo kayo.

you are individuals but you become one not two. not three. or four or five. yes you have differences because you're two different people, but if you add love(God) to it..it'll be equivalent to one. kayo. its one relationship. its you and him. 1+1=1. so kahit anong pagkakaiba niyo basta yung addition sign andun, yung plus, yung love, si God andun edi equivalent nun kayo. kasi pinagsama kayo nung plus, ni God yun na yun, bro!

andaming prinomise si Lord sakin at isa ito sa mga iyon. na ikaw + ako = tayo.

kahit magulo ang math...iintindihin ko kasi simula nung dumating ang math sa buhay ko, parte na siya ng buhay ko.

___________

paulit ulit kong ciniclick. refresh every after refresh. hinahantay ko lumabas ang dapat na andun. asaan na? andiyan lang.

kick out

isang paaralan na ipapangako na ika'y matututo dahil isa sila sa pinaka magaling na eskwelahan. mayroon silang mga guro na eksperto, mga profesyonal sa kanilang larangan. naisip kong gusto kong pumasok at maging estudyante sakanila kaya nung nagpaskil sila ng open for enrollment madali madali akong nagenroll. kaaya-ayang mga ngiti, mga salitang kaakit-akit. gusto ko dito.

napili akong iskolar sa madaming nagpalista sa scholarship. nakakatuwa. nagpapasalamat sa Diyos dahil alam kong narinig niya ang aking dasil at tinulungan niya ako. nag-aral akong mabuti, nagpakitang gilas sa madami. naging pala kaibigan, matataas ang grado at nasabihan pang "you have it in you." ng marinig ko yun mas lalo akong nagpagaling sa pinasok kong ito.

ngunit makalipas ang ilang buwan may ilang mga guro na uminit ang tingin sakin. mga galaw kong pinapanood, nilagyan nila ng ibigsabihin. wala akong ginagawang mali, inosente ako. pero derecho sa principal ang sumbong. harap harapan na bastusan galing sa mga gurong nirerespeto ko. hmmmmmm. sobrang respeto na mas gusto ko na lang ata umalis.

hinarap ko at kinausap ko ang principal kasama ang lahat ng guro ng eskwelahan. nanatili ako sa paaralan...hanggang nahanap ko ang kalma sa puso at nasabi kong tama na sa lahat ng sirang pangako, mga paasang mga salita, pagkukunwari nila, pagpapanggap...

ako'y kick out sa imahinasyong eskwela. at ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagkaila nila sakin. patuloy silang nakikipaglokohan sa mga tao at mga estudyante nila...

hindi na ako magpapaloko sa mga mukhang magagaling pero mas gago pa sa mga banong eskwelahan.

happy with an empty pocket :)

Sa totoo lang feeling ko kulang na bigyan kita ng hermes J there is so much I want to give, but there is so much emptiness in my pocket already haha nevertheless, Im giving you something worth more than any hermes, all topman outfits combined, or gold and diamond studded d3s (if there is one :P)…

This.

ll be your adventure buddy, playmate, landi-mate, crazy friend and best partner. Ill hold your hand when you feel alone, spank your hand when you keep scratching your eyes, will cheer you on as you sneeze paulit ulit, your assistant sa shoots, your kakampi and contrabida in decision making, your not-so organized organizer and your couch potato friend J ill help you separate the carrots from the corn, the tomatoes and lettuce from our yummy burger; ako ang taga-abot at hanap ng inhaler mo pag hinihika ka na, ill kiss your forehead before you sleep, give you that one tight hug to let you know you’ll be fine. Ill go on bus rides with you even if im really scared to be on it, ill walk with you kahit gaano kalayo pa yan. Ill be the one who listens to your problems, sometimes ill be the problem too :P ill be that girl for you because I love you. I just really do.

I promise all these things. You have my word.

My pockets may be empty but my heart is rich J magkano ba kelangan mo?:)) forever? Basta for you, kayang kaya :D I love you!

Happy birthday to my crazy man, Toto J

baso

kumuha ako ng baso ng tubig, dahil nararamdaman ko ng bubuhos.
tumakbo ulit ang eksena sa isipan
*lagok ng tubig*
"Tangina mo nicole"
*pwede kong lunurin sarili k sa tubig*
"pare-pareho kayo, magsama kayong lahat"
*tuloy ang pag inom"
"the door is open..."
*gusto ko pa uminom pero ubos na*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

dahil pinipigilan ko bumuhos parang naipon yung tubig sa loob at nilulunod na ako.
hinabol ko ang paghinga ko...gusto ko na sumigaw ng help!!! pero wala naman lifeguard para sa scenario ng pagkalunod ko.

tinignan ko ang baso. eto na...buhos!! sinalo ko isa isa ang luha. at frineezer ko pagkatapos. 11yrs old ako nun
makalipas ang isa pang taon, nilabas ko uli ang baso at sinalo ko ulit ang luha.
13, 14, 15... ganun ulit. parang every year may reunion.makikita ko ang baso.
nagpapatuloy ang annual reunion hanggang sa araw na ito...
akala ko di ko na mapupuno ang napupunong baso...
sinalo ko ulit...

iyak iyak iyak...pause...iyak iyak iyak...kwento
iyak iyak iyak...may dadating... iyak iyak iyak...kwento
iyak iyak iyak...pause...

hanggang nagmelt sa tagal ng pagiyak kong 'to.
hindi na siya frozen. tubig na ulit. at sa ilang huling patak umapaw na....
puno na yung baso. at dahil matagal naipon, matagal na tinago...
biglang nagcrack ang baso, nasugatan ako pero parang normal, naisip ko ng mangyayari to
nakita kong nagkalat ang luha ko sa sahig...

bawat taon sinubukan ko naman ibuhos na lang yung luha pagkatapos ko ipunin, pero lagin may bago taon taon, magkakaroon at magkakaroon ng laman.

walang narinig

i dont normally talk to others about my problems, worries or thoughts. mahirap ako mag open up sa mga tao. bakit? ayoko lang na problemahin pa nila ang problema ko when they have their own set of problems to worry about aka i dont think people care enough to help me with my problem.
it becomes unfair for me, i care a lot, listen a lot, if i know i can help ill do what it takes pero pag ako na maglalabas ng sama ng loob...hmmm wag na lang. kaya ko, kung hindi kakayanin ko

but i still do open up. TO SOME. as in some. pero sa onting yun... parang walang naka kaya sakin. pero normal lang naman mga problema ko....alam kong mga pinagdadaanan din ng ibang tao...siguro na spoil ko na rin sila...

nakakalungkot pag naglabas ako ng sama ng loob, parang walang narinig ang kausap ko.
peste

worst...pag ikaw pa ang hindi papansinin sa susunod na araw. saya!

Silence is the loudest noise - noisy person.

synonyms and antonyms

sa paningin ko lahat ng bagay may double meaning. and its not necessarily negative. nagkaroon lang wrong connotation. halos lahat ng blog entries ko ay double meaning or pwede ko rin masabi na there are two sides of what i write parang there are two sides of the story.

double meaning... parang nagsusulat ng synonyms at antonyms. i can talk about a journey and put it in the context of a person running into the forest where all trees look the same but have different names (synonyms - different word, same meaning) or talk about journey where the subject is still in his rocking chair (antonym - opposites). like a song with a very sweet melody but have anger in its lyrics. gets?

double meaning... its either you just look on the surface or look deeper. Akala mo mababaw, malalim pala yung pool.

double meaning... wala talagang double meaning. when i write there's a reason, and that reason is the meaning. nagmumukha lang double meaning kasi dinadaan ko sa siya sa symbolisms. dun ko naeexpress ang sarili ko eh. what fun is it if i just write ng derecho what i really feel? just like reading a rant? pffft over rated. pinagisipan ko ang sinulat ko, pag isipan mo din yung binabasa mo.

ang sarap magsulat kasi may kanya kanyang approach. pwede siyang derechahan, pwede ring maging pakipot. parang babae na may mood swing. ang galing, ang ganda ng mundo ito.

ngiti ng buwan

kaninang madaling araw, mga 4am. habang naglalakad papunta sa bahay tinignan ko ng mabuti ang buwan. feeling ko nasa sine ako at nasabi kong "gusto ko maalala ng mabuti ang gabing ito" tinuro at inasinta ang buwan, sinubukan kong itrace ang kumikinang na ngiti sa inuumagang langit.

ang ngiting kitangkita ng lahat sa kadiliman ng gabi. ang ngiti na nagsasabi sakin na may masaya sa kaarawan ko. ang ngiti na nagbibigay kasiyahan sakin sa tuwing hindi ko makita ang kalinawan sa mundo ko. ang ngiti na nagpapaalala na sa dami ng tao ako ang nginingitian niya. ang ganda ng buwan, kung pwede lang mayakap siya gagawin ko. sana andun na lang ako sa tabi niya. sana lagi na lang gabi para makita ko siya....

pero mawawala ang ngiti sa araw na parating. inantay ko siya buong araw ngayon. hindi ko matanggal sa isip ang ganda ng kanyang ngiti...sa pag sapit ng gabi...ako'y naglakad sa labas ng bahay....at makita ko nawala na ang ngiti. iniwan na ako. malamang ay nakangiti siya ibang taong mas kinakailangan siya.

paalam buwan, paalam.

bakit babae ako?

hanggang ngayon tinatanong ko bakit ako ginawa ni Lord na babae?
ang hirap eh.

magsusuot ng dress, ikaw pa malalagay sa piligro.
menstruation,tapos every month? anak ng tupa
haba ng buhok, ang init init.
kelangan laging maayos at malinis tignan, kasi babae ka...
hmmmmmm at higit sa lahat, napaka insecure ng mga babae...

Damn i cant handle all of that. lalo na pag nagsabay sabay
hmmmmm

Lord, whatever your plan is, your reason for making me a girl please tell me.
because i cant seem to understand...but then again you're God, a lot of things about you i dont understand and only you can explain....kasi no one else can explain it.

please and thank you. I love you!!

mad heart.

naka upo sa upuan sa isang malaking kwarto. nakatungo ang ulo habang nakatali ang kamay. hindi na ako magsasalita. ang kulit ng pulis. paulit ulit ang tanong. hindi marunong tumigil. hindi marunong bumitaw muna sa usapan. talak ng talak. napagod na ako sa kakasagot. ipagpipilitan pa rin niya ang kanya. anong silbi ng mga salita ko kung hindi din naman pakikinggan? nasabi ko nga ang sagot pero hindi naman pinaniniwalaan. anong silbi? parang tinali ang bibig ko.

sa upuang ito naramdaman kong ako'y unwanted. tingin ko sa sarili ay tropeyo. may ningning pero sa totoo lang gamit lang siya. ginagamit lang ako.

tumahimik ang pulis. nangawit siguro ang bibig. silencio.
kinakain na ng tenga ko ang katahimikan
nakakairita ang tunog
hindi ko matagalan
hanggang narinig ko ang malakas na sunod sunod na kabog
ang puso kong nagngingitngit sa galit.

language

"quid recipitur ad modum recipientis recipitur" i dont really know who said this but i cant forget this line from college. It simply means the message's meaning depends on how the receiver received it. well ummm thats how i understood it. i can draw a number 3 on the board and to me it may look like a unfinished cloud drawing, a tail of a pig or a butt.

its a good life lesson.
it may mean nothing to you, but it means the world to me
it may mean so much to you, but its worthless for me.

what if we had just one language? no more understanding. no more effort of talking.
we all speak different languages
we all have to learn.
lets speak their language.

love love love.
love language :)

die plastik, die

kay galing ng plastic, para silang may reproductive system dumadami sila
nakakalat sa kalye, sa fast food chains, sa bahay, sa church, sa office
you see plastic everywhere
galing ng plastic kasi they last long :) tagal talaga...
i think the only way to get rid of them is to burn them...pero feeling ko magmemelt lang sila tapos plastic pa rin.

ano kaya ang mundo ng plastic. para silang protective seal. pantakip, pang harang sa mga laman niya from the rest of the world around it. ayaw niya magpaepekto sa ibang substance.

plastic jar, plastic bag, plastic glass, plastic cover o plastik na tao. parepareho ang plastik

im amazed with their kind. they last long....
but they last alone...
last alone with their own kind.
Die plastic, die!!

yakap

mag-aaway, magsisigawan
magdedebate, palalakihin
iiyak ako, iiyak siya
hihinga ng malalim

biglang darating muli
ang pero at kasi
pataasan ng boses
nasa opera ba ako?

paikot na roller coaster
nakakahilo
nakakasuka
pero matibay ang tiyan ko

kahit ganito
ayoko tumigil
kayang tiisin
kayang kaya

masarap mayakap
pagkatapos ng away
iba ang init, iba ang feeling
mas malalim ang ibig sabihin.

hindi ako cry baby!

ang hirap magpigil ng luha. parang chinochoke sarili. iniimagine ko na yung tubig na dapat maging tears eh naiipon sa loob tapos nalulunod ako. tapos diba pag nalulunod tapos naka singhot ka ng water? hirap makahinga, masikip sa dibdib at higit sa lahat masakit sa ilong. ganun!!

hirap ah!

insecurity

parang anay na dahan dahan kinakain ang kahoy
parang garapata na grabe kung kumapit
peste.

to drink

to drink is to feel
is to be numb
is to cry
to laugh and cry
to drink is to hear
to be deaf
to escape
to drink is to be in a trap
to drink is to look you in the eye
to drink is to talk
to drink is to speak the unspoken truth inside your heart that you've been wanting to let out
good or bad...
a door to say it the way you want it without thinking :)

lets drink

ako si wonderwoman

ako si wonderwoman,
kaya ko magpalit ng suot ng mabilisan basta't para sayo
bigla na lang ako lilipad narinig kong humingi ka ng tulong.
may automatic sensor ang tenga ko sa boses mo,
hihilain na lang ako bigla ng hangin papunta sayo.
ang saya tuwing nasasapak ko pababa sa ilalim ng lupa ang iyong problema, nasisipa palayo ang dinadamdam ng puso mo, natatalo ang mga kinakatakutan mo...
masaya ako na nagagawa ko yun para sayo...

sana ikaw din. kasi kahit ang pinakamatapang ay mangangailangan ng tagapagtanggol...

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

ngayon ko lang napanuod. so its good, but i dont agree with the message.
for me the message is "the more you forget, the more you remember"

which i saw first sa assistant and the doctor. they both agreed its for the best but its obviously not. their (doc and assistant) case pointed out na ang madaliang solusyon doesnt work. find the quickest exit, and you're running away from the problem. doesnt matter how fast you are, or far you've gone, you're running in a treadmill. andun ka pa rin.

"the more you forget, the more you remember" when you rant, you shout out all the things you are pissed about and that's remembering, even worst dinidiin mo.
so i say dont forget, remember! deal with it, live with it. if you get hurt, in time you will heal :)

its the pain, the struggle, the pace, the training, the process that makes finishing the race beautiful and get that sweet victory :)

oh clementine, be the crazy you. someone will live with you and love you.

mas

lagi na lang may MAS magaling, MAS ok, MAS maganda, MAS masaya, MAS MAS MAS..
paulit ulit ko na lang sinasabi ang salitang MAS. para mawala na siya ng ibig sabihin. kasi sabi nila if it becomes everyday then it becomes normal...making you feel "so what"

MAS masakit pag naikumpara sa taong wala kang laban. tulad ng ganda ng nanay ko.
hindi ako galit sakanya, wala akong sama ng loob. alam ko maganda siya, at pag nakita niyo for sure you'd agree. i have nothing against her being pretty...its the people around us comparing me to her.

MASakit. kasi walang akong laban. kasi hindi naman ako pwede lumayo sakanya. kasi the people who compare me to her are my friends, her friends...i cannot defend myself kasi ill look stupid.

bakit kasi sakanya pa ako nanggaling.

tren

nakasakay ako sa jeep papuntang UST.
e.rodriguez - g.araneta - q.i - welcome rotonda tapos espana
bago pa makaabot sa UST yung jeep tatawirin yung daanan ng tren.
Isang beses sa inaasahang pagkakataon...nastuck yung jeep sa pagtawid dun sa riles. parang cartoons, andun ako nakasakay sa siksik na jeep, yung jeep nakatigil sa may riles at paparating na yung tren...ramdam kong bumibilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko pero hindi ako gumalaw sa kinauupuan ko. inaantay ko pang magflash back ang buhay ko pero wala... hindi pa ako mamamatay

kahit nakita ko na sa sine ang scenaryong iyon, kahit yung pa ang maging rason ng aking pagkamatay. it doesnt happen in real life all the time.

Im a fan

Toto Villaruel, a young unconventional wedding photographer, continues to make a buzz in the industry as he perseveres to master what he loves to do. His unique, or should i say “weird”style of framing moments has captured the attention and hearts of many couples, aspiring wedding photographers and ummm everyone. 3 years in the business, with 200+ weddings, and i-dont-know how many engagement sessions…you will definitely look forward to his next posts and blogs :)

I did :) i even remember telling myself “i want to be a great wedding photographer someday,” after seeing his shot of a couple in Enchanted Kingdom years ago. The playfulness, the drama, the awkward/different framing, the complex to the simple kilig shots. Easily he defined his style, and quickly you can say “kay Toto Villaruel yang shot na yan!” Getting to work with him was super nakaka-pressure, but with that experience I instanly became a fan of not only his work but how he works. He talks to the couple as if they were long time friends; makes them feel comfortable when he instructs them how to pose or just be themselves in the shoot; his laugh will make you laugh so we’ll altogether laugh and that breaks the ice. He’s very professional. And its a guaranteed fun-filled shoot with him :)

For the past weeks, i’ve been observing him and the people around him, especially in the online community. Every time he gets a message in Tumblr saying a thank you for a follow back, he tells me “I just made someone’s day today”. And he’s happy about it. Or when 3 or more people likes his post on FB, he goes “woah madami naglike” as if he’s not used to people liking his posts. When he gets a number of inquiries in his e-mail, he’s like “dami!” like he doesnt get that a lot. When someone says “Uy Toto!” when we were walking somewhere, or “papicture naman po” thinking he will take the picture when that someone is asking for a picture with him :) A person happy with the simple things :)

Im a fan of his works, how he works, his personality, his character, his artistic-self but most of all, im a fan of his love :) YIKEEEEEEEE!

2months together and parang ang tagal na namin. I tell you its hard not to fall in love with him everyday :) but *ehem* sorry but he’s mine!

Ricardo, Happy 2nd monthsary. Thank you for making me part of your day, week, months and life. I appreciate your effort of going to my place everyday, feeling ko ang ganda ganda ko. A big hug for always smiling at me, whenever i ask you to smile! The Lord has given me favor for giving me someone who’s great like you :)

I know you are destined for greatness sweetheart. Im excited! and as a fan, i will gladly document it. I will always be here to support you, and support what you love to do! well, ummm 50-50 sa shopping! haha

I love you so much!

your no.1 fan

-NICOLAI

ipit na luha

hindi nababago pero nahuhulma
kayang itago sa tamang halaga
hindi naman talaga nawawala
permanenteng maskara
tago ang tunay na itsura

mahirap magtago sa pangalan ng iba
lalo na't kagandahan at perpekto siya
masakit na maikumpara
nakakasakal ang paghanga ng iba

sana maintindihan ang sakit
ang hiya, ang ipit na luha
sa bawat paghanga sakanya
titignan ako ng mababa

hindi kagandahan, ang hirap pala.
kahit anong tindig o ngiti di uubra
mananatiling tahimik
dahil ang sikipsikip na sa dibdib

siya ang pinanggalingan
bakit ako naiba?
ako ang bunga niya
bakit ako ang naiba?

masarap mainlove

ilang beses ko ng nasabi ang "i love you" at kung ilan beses ko sinabi ang mga salitang yun ay ganun din kadami ang "good bye" na narinig ko. gayun pa man ay hindi ako natakot mainlove muli. Kaya ang dami kong naging ka-MU (mutual understanding. yak), mga kalandian at mga no commitment relationship na parang tanga lang. dating sila ng dating, at alis din sila ng alis.

hindi ako bitter. hinahayaan ko sila, choice nilang makipagrelasyon sakin at kung mas alam nila na para hindi kami sa isat isa edi GO! thank you to you pa :)

madami dami na akong nabitawan na linya. matatamis na salita, pampakilig na text, mga pangako, ang mga "pag-tanda natin" na phrases...lahat ng sinabi ko ay totoo, galing sa puso pero ngayon ang mga salitang yun ay wala ng saysay, patay na salita.

sa kasalukuyan, ako'y inlove. at hindi ko sasabihin na i've never felt like this before because i've felt like this before. i've been inlove. hindi ko sasabihin na this is different just because im inlove with him right now. hindi ko rin sasabihin na siya na, dahil sa kakailang "siya na" baka magaya siya sa iba at mawala.

ang gusto ko sabihin ay...sana siya ang unang nasabihan ko ng i love you. wala ng ibang lalaki. SANA siya LANG ang nasabihan at sasabihan ko ng i love you. pakiramdam ko nasayang ang mga naisip kong salita, nagawang tula, nasulat na love letters dahil para sakanyan lang yun dapat.

feeling ko sinayang ko.

kung pwede lang na lahat ng sinabi ko ay transferrable sa minamahal ko ngayon, eh gagawin ko. kung kaya't pasensiya na mahal ko kung madami akong nasabihan bago ko nasabi sayo. pero eto hindi ko pa nasabi, hindi ko naisip noon, ngayon ko lang naramdaman at sayo ko lang sasabihin:

God is pleased when i love you.

so ill love you more

P.S.

so ummmm

i wont stop loving you? if you let me :)

its what i prayed for

did you ever see God as a genie? a lamp that you had to rub 3 times just so you can get the thing you want the most?...what if genie says "NO!" pffft throw the lamp!! burn it!! bye...

back when i was in highschool, my love for the Lord was so errrr gigil that i asked and asked. so i did good works, participated in activities brought people to join me and "worship"...things that made me feel gigil about Him, but really pointed to no direction. it was simply giving the Lord an empty hug.

asking for what you need IS NOT BAD!! it is what you need, and that is fine. asking and asking and you will get another question...do you need it? and so we put tall wall defenses and explain how this want has become a need...but you know its sugar coating.

hmmmmm this time around, as i have been becoming closer to my awesome God. instead of asking, i give it to Him.

"Lord i lift up my need of ...."

i can always ask him, for he says "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open for you" but He knows my needs, and im secured it'll be provided.

I prayed for something. for someone. and He gave it to me :) I did not deserve it...because im a sinner. but He gave him to me.

when you sin and you proudly say i dont regret it...the Lord finds its way to break you down on the floor! and its what happened.

i want it to be right. so i layed down my cards just to start it right...but i wasnt forgiven for this. and im taking the silent treatment...this is my consequence. i deserve an even graver consequence than this...ill take it. silence means becoming sensitive to what others have to say.

ill take it, all of it! not because i want to be forgiven, or that i deserve this but because i want to make it right.

not because no one sees it doesnt mean no one will know.