mad heart.

naka upo sa upuan sa isang malaking kwarto. nakatungo ang ulo habang nakatali ang kamay. hindi na ako magsasalita. ang kulit ng pulis. paulit ulit ang tanong. hindi marunong tumigil. hindi marunong bumitaw muna sa usapan. talak ng talak. napagod na ako sa kakasagot. ipagpipilitan pa rin niya ang kanya. anong silbi ng mga salita ko kung hindi din naman pakikinggan? nasabi ko nga ang sagot pero hindi naman pinaniniwalaan. anong silbi? parang tinali ang bibig ko.

sa upuang ito naramdaman kong ako'y unwanted. tingin ko sa sarili ay tropeyo. may ningning pero sa totoo lang gamit lang siya. ginagamit lang ako.

tumahimik ang pulis. nangawit siguro ang bibig. silencio.
kinakain na ng tenga ko ang katahimikan
nakakairita ang tunog
hindi ko matagalan
hanggang narinig ko ang malakas na sunod sunod na kabog
ang puso kong nagngingitngit sa galit.

asado siopao

sana nahahawakan ang luha para mas kaya kong kontrolin
kung kelan ko hahayaan pumatak sa sahig, kung kelan ko dapat itago muna
pero may rason kung bakit hindi mo buong buo macontrol ang pagpatak ng luha sa mga mata
kasi hindi mo madadaya na mapakita kung kelan tuwang tuwa ka na at kelan nalulungkot ka na talaga.

isang araw bago ang gabi para sa mga aalis....
Nicolai: ehhhh ayoko na, naiiyak na ako. iyakin pa naman ako
Lester: anong iyakin? HINDI NGA EH. diba hindi ka umiiyak pag kakabreak lang
Nicolai: hindi naman kasi kaiyakiyak yun, feeling ko manhid tlga ako sa mga bagay na ganun. eh eto mga ganito naiiyak ako...

umupo ako sa nagiisang upuan sa stage, kinuha ang mic pero bago ako magsimula magsalita tinignan ko sila...tinignan ko yung mga mukhang nagpasaya sakin, nagpahirap sa buhay ko, mga mukhang gusto ko lagi kong nakikitang nakangiti...hmmmm hinga malalim. patago kong kinagat ko yung dila ko..

hindi ko alam sasabihin ko sakanila, kasi ayoko pa umalis. ayokong isipin nila na iiwan ko sila. kung wala lang expiration date ang pagstay edi kasama ko pa rin sila. bakit kasi nauna ako ng isang batch. bakit ang bigat bigat sa loob, kakaiba tong upuan toh mapapaupo ka talaga, itong mic naman para mapalakas ang boses kasi wala ka tlga masasabi...anak ng puta oh.

"hi guys, are you still awake. hello hello" ang energetic na ako ang nagsalita. tangina naman eh ang hirap ilabas ng nararamdaman ko...ang hirap. buti na lang may speech ako na prepare kahit papano sa mga medyo naging close ko, kasi kung wala malamang umiiyak na lang ako sa stage...
matapos ko bigyan ng speech yung 15+ na yun...natira na lang ang 3 taong pinaka malapit sa puso ko sa varsi, sa photogs section....si josa, si lester at si paul...

dun ko lang naramdaman na posible pala bumigat ang labi. pano pa kaya si angelina jolie na may malaking labi? (sumisigaw ng mommy!!! ang puso ko) hinayaan ko na, buhos na gripo na kung gripo.

hindi naman kasi bawal umiyak. wala naman nagsabi na wag ako umiyak.

josa, beb. naging close tayo dahil we HAD something in common. you're one tough beautiful girl, soon to be a lady. ngayon na mag-18 ka na be responsible of your actions. kung pwede lang wag ka muna magkaboyfriend tapusin mo muna pag-aaral mo. hindi ko akalain magiging close tayo dahil sa kung ano nangyari before, kilala na nga natin ang isat isa, nagkatinginan na tayo pero hindi pa ikaw si beb nun. you'll be happy even without a guy, college is the time for friends and to build who you are. ibibigay ang puso sa taong mahal mo, alagaan mo toh. kasi you're heart is one treasure, you deserve someone who will love you and make you feel proud to be you.
beautiful and talented, beb you are blessed with these two things. I love you so much, ill miss you. kwekwentuhan pa rin kita tungkol sa mga dumadating at pumapapel na lalaki sa buhay ko...hayaan mo kong takbuhan kita ha? onti lang kasi kayong tinatakbuhan ko eh. (yakaaap)

DYI!!! ang nagiisa at natitira kong kabatch. kahit ang bagal bagal mo kumain, kahit puro sorry ang naririnig ko pag may nakakalimutan ka, kahit ang bi mo sakin sa pag yosi (joke lang) tinitiis kita kasi ikaw si DYI eh :) sabi mo nung gabing naginuman tayo sa caylabne mahal mo ko mahal mo ko dyi soooper love din kita...imagine isang text mo lang na bitch yung taga science nung pautakan nagcut ako para syo ayokong binubully at binibitch kayo...mamimiss ko yun. tayo na lang ang magkabatch, mawawala pa ako. sorry....hindi naman kita iiwan eh, aalis lang ako ng V pero babalik pa rin ako sainyo. tayong tatlo pa rin ang magkabatch matibay na bond yun. dyi? wag ka iiyak...Thank you kasi ikaw ang naging kabatch ko, thankful kasi 3 lang tayo. sorry ulit. uulitin ko mahal kita. ill miss you my dear batchmate.

Paul, you suck talaga as my editor. and yes you said it you are not a good leader because you're one selfish person. hindi naman kelangan ikaw lahat magcover eh, pwede ishare. gumawa ka ng systema mo, you bring others up as you become great because thats the only way to be greater. Alam mo ba na you're one of the grave reasons why i wanted to leave varsi? me being there and you staying there is making me feel hate more which means more stress for me. my last year in varsi sucked big time because of you...you made my last year not enjoyable...wag ka magalala di na kita mumurahin. hindi ko kaya. i said you're one of the reasons why i wanted to quit, but also one of the reasons why i stayed. magpapatalo ba ako sa isang tulad mo? syempre hindi. you're one of my closest friend. in fact you're the one who got me here. kahit gago ka, kahit user kang friend, kahit nagaway tayo, kahit nagkaissue...i look beyond that coz you are my friend. mamaw? Thank you for making me be a part of this family. thank you for making me feel sucky because it made me strive better. i hate you, but i also love you mamaw. ill always be your friend, ill always be here when you need me.


....magang maga ang mata ko...pulang pula mukha ko .... asado siopao anyone?

masarap pero mahirap

nilalapitan, tinatakbuhan
ikaw ang sumbungan
masaya, malungkot
ikaw ang laging andiyan

gabi gabi na ata kitang hinahanap
alam ko naman kung nasaan ka
ang di matagong ngiti
tuwing ika'y aking kapiling

mas lalo akong lumalayo
mas lalo kita namimiss
at pag andiyan ka na ulit
may kakaibang high

mahihilo ako sa sobrang saya
parang bata na nakawala sa hawla
ikaw ang may kasalanan
ang lakas mo sakin


sakit na ng ulo ko
ikaw, oo ikaw.
masarap kang kasama
pero mahirap mainlove sayo

When you’re in a shit hole

Have you ever experienced sitting in class and being quiet? When in reality you’re not that type of person. You’re not quiet, you’re usually the one making noise. The one that the teacher hushes during classes. Well it happened to me. That’s when I started thinking…

You get into high school or college and you find your “comfort zone” among the many faces in the crowd. But you have to be careful for those faces can turn to evil glares when you turn your back. Sometimes this jolly person you see, is the number back stabber you’ll ever meet. The person in the group who hangs on to anyone just to stay in the group wouldn’t be there for too long. The bossy will always be shut out. But those who learn to keep things to themselves and does not mind who they are with, will stay. Not necessarily the same crowd but they will stay. It’s hard to find strong friends, strong enough to take in the foul stench of your being.

I’m barely close with anybody because I don’t think I don’t have to be close with everybody. I’m a person hard to understand. That’s why only a few really know me. I’m not complaining, I’m informing. I always loved small circle of friends, it was always better that way. But my perky stature in the society draws in friends, and I can’t help but talk to them. Sometimes you need a breather from the same crowd, you want and find something new. I think this time, ill be thinking about myself. Putting me at the top of my priority list. I’ll think of pleasing myself and making me happy. I always cared for others, and I know I did my part already. Change is a very strong word, and if I do change for this, as long as I’m happy, I won’t change back. I can’t take back what has been lost, I can’t take back what has happened. I’ll just keep moving forward, and whoever stays with me in my journey of life, well I’m thankful and blessed to have you aboard.

Everybody has their shitty days.

sweetheart

kinailangan kong lumayo sayo, pero hindi ko makakayanan ang desisyong ito.

ayokong isipin at tanggapin ang buhay pag wala ka na.

I know you wont, you cant be there for me till i grow old. kaya ngayon pa lang hinahanda ko na ang puso ko para sa panahon na iyon. pag wala ka na...

pag nakikita kita lagi kitang lalapitan kasi its you who makes me feel the happiest.

ngayon pag nandyan ka na parang gusto ko na lang umiyak at isipin kelan ka ba magiging akin ng tuluyan

pag namromroblema ako, sigurado akong kaya mo ko pangitiin at gawing masaya pero kelangan ko na magisip ng papalit sayo kaso mahirap, kasi nagiisa ka.

walang kasing lambing at 'sing tamis ng iyong pagmamahal. kaya bawat tao na makita kong masaya na nakakasama ka untiunti akong namamatay...kasi dapat AKO, ako ang may hawak sayo.

nanghihina ako ngayon. hindi makakain ng maayos dahil wala ka na.

pilit kong gusto maging manhid, para hindi mo na ako maakit.

hindi ko pa rin matanggap. pero nandito ako, desisyon ko toh. para sa ikabubuti din natin toh.

i miss you.

(no sweets for a week)

yakap na di bibitiw

Lakad ka ng lakad paikot ikot sa walang hanggan

Isip ka ng isip walang pasikotsikot nablablanko ka na

Hawak sariling mga kamay, palibhasa’y wala kang kasama

Titigil, tutulala kasi di mo masabi kung san ka nila pupuntahan

“Hindi nila maintindihan, kasi hindi nila alam”

parang sirang plakang paulit ulit na tumatakbo sa iyong isipan

Uupo sa tuwing nakaramdam ng sakit, nanghihina ka na

Lalabanan, tatayo muli at maglalakad…mahuhulog sa sahig

Isa isa ng papatak ang mga problema sa mata, ang mga luha

Dalawang palad na magtatakip sa iyong kahihiyan

Nakatungo ang ulo, bakas ang kahihiyan.

Makakatulog sa iyak, magigising…

mag-isa…habang yakapyakap ka ng problema.

regret

because of that question i got myself thinking for 3days now



i have had quite a number of relationships. some of them just flings but never the less didn't just play around. i took the chance, the risk with my whole heart and never regretted anything.
until last tuesday...

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET..
i was thinking and thinking...wala naman...then thinking and thinking...ok nagiisip ako meaning meron...thinking and thinking... WHY? ... think...
WHY!
yun na yun
I DIDNT ASK WHY

i had 4 boyfriends and quite a number of flings? ok madaming flings fine. when they all left me..i never bothered to ask WHY.

Grade 6.: Together for 4 months, i think. it was a puppy love text thing and good lunches together :) it was cute. Months passed, i felt something wrong :) i was all giggly about it because I knew before hand. i had that sneaky feeling, i was a kid...i barely call this a relationship (now). so there, he called me and told me he's been thinking about this girl lately..i giggled because i knew it wasnt me.. he got kinda pissed so i tried to stop the giggling. Then he told me he liked my good friend dyan, and i said "go! crush ka din nun eh" it was that easy.
but i never asked why her not me

2nd yr HS: My loves for 3 months. i broke a lot of hearts when the world knew i have him, i had 4 suitors then. it was unexpected. it was all of a sudden, it was him and me, it was us. it was a funny relationship. this was a chat, talk, eat thing and sweet see you laters. it was summer time, and if you're a student hiding a relationship summer time was just the hardest. i missed him but...i knew he didn't. we got to talk over the phone. i tried to lambing him but im not really good at that hahaha. (fastforward: back to school) i called him using my cellphone (to their landline he didnt have a cellphone) i asked how he was and all then
he asked "gusto mo pa ba?"i said "ng?" "eto,tayo. gusto mo pa ba ituloy" "ahhh ikaw magdecide" "ehhh ikaw babae ikaw dapat nagdedecide" "sino ba nagsabi na babae dapat magdecide? Go." "wag na lang?" "okay" "okay ka lang?" "yup" "ah cge bye" (drop call) then i found myself singing...IM FREE, FREE. IM FREEEEE yeah.
now, i think. i never asked why it was all of a sudden

4th yr hs: highschool sweethearts for 2 years and 5months. i love listening to problems, he had a lot. i listened. he talked and wept and smiled. i looked at him and thought about it. his heart was pure and all he needed was someone who will accept him and be there for him, little did i know, ill play that part. from his broken heart we started to be friends, then i became his girlfriend. lesson learned: its not my role to mend a broken heart, because i can never patch things that he lost with the other...i didnt hear from him for a month...it was over...then he called...not directly saying it but he wanted me to wait for him til he finds himself. again not my role to play. I said "thank you at least now i know" thats all that mattered to me, to hear him talk...well he didnt say it directly but knowing him i understood.

but i never asked why he didnt contact me for a month.

4th yr college: my source of happiness for 3months. we just clicked, he was adventurous, a thrill seeker, fun, game, mature... he was somewhat like me. it was all so fast. i didnt even see it coming. it was a rollercoaster ride, and oh how i love roller coaster rides. i knew we can deal with anything...hindi pala. I can deal with anything...he couldnt. He was strong, but his heart for me was weak...i understood where he was coming from. it was normal, and i somehow expected the break up but didnt really embraced the thought. mind over matter, but i loved him...it was heart over matter...or maybe it was denial...1 cold week...then my hatest words came out from his mouth "ayaw ko na"...i understood and accepted.

i listened to solemn music and thought "WHY?"

im a hopeless romantic. when it comes to love i never ask why.

why? because i knew them well and i never wasted any moment.

it was a good run... :)

(but i still regret it haha)

manhid

isa akong masiyahing tao...lagi nakangiti and may energy! go go go! gusto ko nga makaramdam ng pagod, hindi yun alam ko lang na pagod ako...hmmmmm
kung nababasa niyo ang mga past blogs ko eh pansin na puro porblema ang pinaguusapan ko...hindi lang ako masiyahin eh matapang at malakas na tao ako...yun nga sabi ko nga na kahit ano pa yata ang ibato sakin ng mundo eh kaya ko, "if its for me to face then i will". ang tapang ang galing...pero hindi weak ko tsong

weak kasi hindi ko kaya ipakita ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ako nagpapakaplastic hindi ko lang talaga kaya ipakita...kasi ayaw ko magworry ang mga tao sakin, ayaw ko magexplain ng paulit ulit, ayaw ko kaawaan, ayaw ko ng attention, ayaw kong mahawa mga kaibigan ko sa nararamdaman ko at ayaw ko maiyak sa harapan ng iba eh napakaiyakin ko pa naman...hmmmmm at dahil sa mga ayaw kong toh...nagiging manhid na ata ako...natakot ako..ayaw ko maging isang manhid na tao.

ang nakalipas na linggo ay isa sa mga manhid kong linggo. pilit kong pinapaiyak ang sarili ko, pilit kong maging malungkot...kasi feeling ko manhid na ako. iniwan nanaman ako ng taong mahal ko pero hindi hindi ako umiyak kaso masakit sa puso, ang sakit sakit pero hindi ko kaya ipakita eh...diba mas mahirap yun?? kasi you dont get to show what you truly feel...hindi ako plastic, kahit na nahihirapan na ako iniintindi ko pa rin kung paano ko magugulo ang buhay ng mga tao sa paligid ko kung naging sad nga ako. pero anyways manhid...manhid na nga ata ako...

j: how are you
n: im ok
j: plastic mo!
n: the right questions get the right answer. if you ask me are you ok? i will say im ok kasi i am ok. but if you ask me how im feeling? ill tell you im not ok

natigil ako sa sinabi kong yun...napaisip ngayon tinawagan ko ang isa kong kaibigan at dahil may ginagawa siya pinkausap niya muna ako sa isa pa naming kaibigan

t: n! kamusta ka na?
n: im ok
t: kamusta ang puso mo?
n: wag ganun!! (iyak) hindi ok...

...hmmmm thank you T! ang aking kabirthday...maraming maraming salamat the right questions get the right answers..hindi pa nga yata ako manhid...

...andito ako sa opisina..dumating ang kaibigan ko

l: n! may papanuod ako sayo. (nilabas ang mac niya at pinapanuod ako ng video)

hiling by silent sanctuary...hanapin niyo sa youtube panuorin mo...
naiyak ako...na-emo..pero dahil madami kami dito sa opisina ndi ko nanaman napaakita...hmmm

hindi ako manhid,
umiyak ako, kumirot ang puso ko ng mapanuod ko ang video...ngumingiti ako at tumatawa nakakaramdam ako
...ang bigat na sa puso...