its what i prayed for

did you ever see God as a genie? a lamp that you had to rub 3 times just so you can get the thing you want the most?...what if genie says "NO!" pffft throw the lamp!! burn it!! bye...

back when i was in highschool, my love for the Lord was so errrr gigil that i asked and asked. so i did good works, participated in activities brought people to join me and "worship"...things that made me feel gigil about Him, but really pointed to no direction. it was simply giving the Lord an empty hug.

asking for what you need IS NOT BAD!! it is what you need, and that is fine. asking and asking and you will get another question...do you need it? and so we put tall wall defenses and explain how this want has become a need...but you know its sugar coating.

hmmmmm this time around, as i have been becoming closer to my awesome God. instead of asking, i give it to Him.

"Lord i lift up my need of ...."

i can always ask him, for he says "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open for you" but He knows my needs, and im secured it'll be provided.

I prayed for something. for someone. and He gave it to me :) I did not deserve it...because im a sinner. but He gave him to me.

when you sin and you proudly say i dont regret it...the Lord finds its way to break you down on the floor! and its what happened.

i want it to be right. so i layed down my cards just to start it right...but i wasnt forgiven for this. and im taking the silent treatment...this is my consequence. i deserve an even graver consequence than this...ill take it. silence means becoming sensitive to what others have to say.

ill take it, all of it! not because i want to be forgiven, or that i deserve this but because i want to make it right.

not because no one sees it doesnt mean no one will know.

blowjob

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A tour of the unseen

A week ago i was in Bangkok, Thailand both for pleasure and for business. After two days of shopping, my mom treated herself and i to a tour. the night before the tour we had our outfits prepared, almost identical but not so :)

First off, Floating market :) i've always seen pictures of this place and being there in the boat, in the market was AAAAAHHH i felt like i was riding a national geographic roller coaster ride. Everyone was in a boat, even stores on a boat. It was literally a floating market. You have people selling fruits, clothes, bags, accessories, and even grilled food! how yummy is that. i was enjoying the chaos, the bump to bump of our boat to another, the water, the noise, other tourists enjoying, people trying to bargain. I wish i could grasp the feeling but I was having a good time just looking. But we reached a corner where they were making stalls beside the river, it was so quiet so fixed...it wasnt really appealing to me. Even one of the passengers in our boat said "its better when its noisy." My boat ride ended with me having a bbq :)

Originally after the floating market, we were supposed to be in the Grand Palace. Instead we got a side trip at the elephant village. It was nice seeing a herd of elephants walking around me. i felt like i was a fan of elephants, i mean i only see them in books and tv so to see them face to face is like "yipeee!" My mom bought a basket of bananas to feed this gentle beasts but she kept shouting terrified and excited haha when it was my turn i got a little rattled too but i got the hang of it. There snout is really slimy. Fun!

Another side trip was the handicrafts factory. I know we have this in the Philippines but i never got to see it. Walking around seeing the artist do their thing, cant help but smile. They were so damn good in what they do. Such art and what mans hands can do. but i got bored easily there.

The grand finale, the Grand Palace :) Oh what beauty of architecture and culture. Thanks to our tour guide, Christie i got a quick background of the place but i didn't listen that much because i couldn't understand her well. The gold paint, the details the colors, the temples, the statues, the respect, the prestige. wow. the most beautiful temple among all was the temple of the emerald buddha. so sparkly, royal. i sat there and just marveled at the place.

As i sat there, i thought of Jesus. slowly i realized that in the 3 stops it was all about Him. The difference between the chaotic floating market, and the soon-to-float commercialized floating market made me see more the beauty in a mess. We are a mess but He still finds us beautiful despite all the shit that we've been into. Holding the rough dry skin of the elephant was a reminder that He is God, how great He is to have in mind to create such creature. Ang galing eh. The hands of a handicrafts man creating this image from a block of wood with such imagination, this was a man what more God's creation? Looking around the temple of the emerald buddha made me want to cry...all of this gold, the effort of preservation, the respect, honor and love the people had for a non-living god compared to what man did to Jesus when he was here, they spit, hit, made fun of Him, and killed him. What did buddha do to deserve this treatment? what did Jesus do to deserve this from man?

It was a tour of the unseen, a tour of display of what God really wants me to see.

losing the inspiration

i've been wanting to write again but i couldn't. no inspiration? im really not sure.
i find it lame when people tell me they need inspiration to write, to dance, to perform or to do whatever. Lame because they depend on other things to get them on the go. or maybe lame because they knew Edgar Allan Poe had to drink first before he writes? The norms of this world build who you are. but should it be that way?

Can losing the inspiration be the inspiration? yes, and only some could find the sense in it. It can be the drive for you to write again, dance, or just wake up everyday. the feeling of having no soul, makes you want to have a soul. and it is your journey to get that want. for the emptiness inside is never filled by another, but it is filled by self. others only patch the hole that defines your emptiness, they can only pacify but never satisfy.

find the beauty in the mess, it is a world not everyone is willing to explore. they look at the mess and just see it as is. thats why they hate it, why they always want to get away, to escape from. maybe finding the beauty in the mess brings peace in self. there just agitated because they are not in their comfort zone. but how can it be a comfort zone if you're not willing to make it one?

i could lead this entry to the norms and how i hate and love them. but i feel i've reached my point. losing the inspiration is my inspiration.

Hihinto ang Mundo

may nakapagsabi na sakin minsan na tuwing nakikita niya ako "TUMITIGIL" ang mundo niya. reaksyon ko? ah ok. kaartehan kasi...

tapos tinamaan ko. tumahimik ang aurora blvd. bumagal ang mga nagiihaw ng bbq sa kalye, tapos tumigil ang lahat. tangina totoo pala 'to. sinundan ng mga mata ko ang isang lalaki na matagal ko ng kilala. naramdaman kong napapangiti na ako. aba totoo pala ang ganito. pero bakit siya? napailing at natawa. biglang "Hi Nicole" sumagot ako ng "Hi-Hi ka diyan" habang magkasamang naglalakad paulit ulit sa isipan ko bakit siya. bakit siya. baaaakit siya. nanakaw ako ng tingin, mahuhuli niya ako at ngingiti siya sakin. putang inang kalandian 'to oh. Highschool? Kumain kami sa Saria, yung kainan sa kanto. dito kami unang naglunch together. highschool all over again. sinubukan niya ako picturan gamit ang cellphone niya. nag-flashback sandali ang paligid nung picturan ko naman siya nung kumakain kami madalas dito. tinignan ko ulit siya, BAKIT?

pagkatapos kumain kami ng ice cream na binibilhan namin sa tapat ng school namin, umupo sa naglulumang bench at tinignan ang nabubulok na school. ang awkward ng feeling. dapat bang kiligin ako? dapat bang magswimming ulit ako sa swimming pool na dahan dahan naubos ang tubig? nabingi ako sa ingay sa loob ng utak ko. tapos narinig ko siya tumawa.

bakit siya? kasi sa katahimikan niya dun ako nag-ingay. sa kacornihan niya dun ako naging patawa. sa pagiging simple niya dun ako nagpakacreative. dahil iniwan niya ako dun ako naging matapang. nung nawala siya dun ko natanggap kung ano ako. ngayon na andiyan siya...hihinto ang mundo kasi sakanya ako nagkamundo. niyakap ko siya at ng walang sabi sabi umalis ako.

parang joke time kasi yung humihinto ang mundo, pero totoo pala siya. medyo nakakatakot, pero babalikan ko siya. sa pagkukulang niya, nabuo ko ang sarili ko. parang ganun.

duwag pala ako.

Roller Coaster

kung takot ka, sa pilitan sumakay. pag handa ka naman, ramdam mo ang kaba, takot at excitement sa puso mo. may feeling kasi ako na pag sumakay ako ng roller coaster pwede ko ito ikamatay, may risk.

umupo ako, na may ngiti sa mukha. kahit wala yung kinakabit for protection sasakyan ko pa rin 'to. tapos dahan dahan ng umaandar, para bang nilalambing ng gulong yung tracks. dahan dahan din bumilis at biglang aaaaaaahhhh aakyat baba ikot waaaaah babagal bibilis bwebwelo akyat baba kaliwa kanan ikot ikot aaaaaah aayaw ka pero gusto mo pa talaga hihilain ka tapos aaaaah biglang baba dahan dahan titigil.

pagod ka na, tapos na ang roller coaster ride pero bumalik ulit ako. at uulit ulitin ko ito...dahil hinahanap hanap ko ang thrill ang sarap ang excitement ang rush ang di madescribe na pleasure na nadadala, parang naiihi na hindi. kagigil, ang saya.

hanggang...*uwaaaaaak* bakit ako nasusuka?

pintura

pumunta ako sa hardware store para bumili ng pintura. tinignan ko ang swatch, at hirap akong piliin kung anong kulay ng green ang gusto ko. Pinikit ko ang mata ko at naimagine ko na ang kwarto ko na may pader na berde. "Kuya itong green" inuwi ko ang lata sa bahay tinignan ng mabuti at naisip, "mehn ang ganda! pero hindi tama"

bumalik ako sa hardware store at kumuha ng blue, yellow at puti na pintura. inuwi ko ng may ngiti at excitement sa mukha. naiisip ko pa rin yung green na gusto ko pero iniisip ko mas maganda ang kalalabasan ng halo nitong mga ito.

sa isang malaking lalagyan naglagay ng blue, at saka nilagyan ng yellow. makikita mo yung diffusion of color how it blends with each other, blue trying to get in the yellow and vise versa. hinalo ko, hinayaan, hinalo at habang tumatagal dagdag ng blue, dagdag ng yellow at nakukuha ang tamang green :) minsan naooverpower ng blue ang yellow, pero ayos lang may yellow pa para ibalanse ang lahat pero masyadong green. kaya dagdag ng white, importante na may puti to bring that right mix and right lightness to the harsh shade thats been happening.

ng maubos na ang panghalo, kung ano man dinatnan nagpaghahalo ko yun ang pinahid ko sa pader. it might not be like the green na gusto ko nung una, but this is just right.

___________

may ideal something tayo sa buhay, pero hindi naman yun talaga ang gusto mo. mas maganda yung darating lang, dahan dahan mong makikita kung ano ang kalalabasan ng lahat. and it would be prettier and much more perfect than your ideal one. minsan sobrang gulo, kaya kelangan ng magbabalance. andiyan si Lord para gabayan ka, kayo, tayo. things will fall into place.

I miss you

isa pang 3-words na mabigat sakin ay ang I MISS YOU. i could tell this to anyone anytime, but i could let someone feel this rarely. Iba ako makamiss, i make time to let you know i really missed you. you dont have to miss me back, you just have to be there too.

macho kung macho pero pag dating sa mga close friends ko dun ako mas vulnerable. they are the ones who can really break my heart and have me crying for days. mga boyfriend? pfft no need for tears, they come to your life and they can leave. but friends? they come and stay.

"its one thing to appreciate, to care and to love but to be appreciated, to be cared for and to be loved is another"

Pause

To be very passionate about something is like standing in the water, fighting the current. Not everyone is for it but you'd still be in it. Passion is a word not everyone understands, and its fine. No one else has to understand what you are in...but hopefully through what i do others will know, feel, see and just be happy for me.

Dancing is my ice cream. my open road. my diary...my world. A place where i can truly be me and be happy not matter how sad the song is. But a song ends, a choreography has its last step...

"Sir Melvin,

I am not good with conversing about my problems but this concerns my time with Vibe. I love dancing and I truly want to grow in it. To be a part of your team, is a privilege and it made me feel good about what I am passionate about. However, passion is a word not everyone understands. As much as I want to give more time for Vibe, my family expects a lot from me. In other words, they want me to work. I get to stay in Vibe as long as I have a stable income, enough to support myself and help a little at home. I hope you understand, my family is in total support of what I want to do in life. But they cannot support me financially anymore. And this is what I also want, I want them to help me become more independent because I'm on the process of having a life on my own.

Sir, what I'm trying to say is I will have less and lesser time for training until I get a job. I've been having lots of interviews and one of the concerns of the employers is my dancing. Im not giving it up, rather just putting it to a pause.

I apologize for the consistent absences in rehearsals, and for the miscommunication due to network service failures. This may be accounted as unprofessionalism, again I apologize.

Hoping for your understanding about this.

Please do pray for me to find a job.

Thank you and God bless.

Nicole Melicor"

I dont mean to end it, im still fighting for it. and i will be back for you my first love. We will start a new song, and we'll dance to it.

desisyon

dati, kung ano ang favorite mo yun na yun.

pero ngayon hindi na ganun.

iisipin mo kapakanan ng ibang tao,

hanggang makalimutan mo sarili mo.

mararamdaman mo pag pagod, pag bitin

ramdam mo yung kulang at subok mong pupunuin.

pero saan mo kukunin? hahanapin?

tao bagay hayop gamit laruan ano?

sige hanap pa, gamit pa

iiyak, mas masasaktan ka pa ng sobra.

tatagay, hihithit, naiipit

sa dulo ika'y manliliit

hindi ka na bata, wala ng simpleh

wala ng cotton candy, ikaw na bibili

ang bigat ba? ganyan talaga.

talon to the next level of kahirapan

magdesisyon ka

para dahan dahang matapos na.

patak

tumutulo ang tubig sa gripo at di ko mapigilan. wala akong ibang magawa kundi saluhin.

patak. patak. nakikita ko ang sarili sa na namumuong tubig. patak. mawawala ang imahe ko. hindi ako makatulog sa katahimikan ng gabi. rinig na rinig mong pumapatak. patak. pero sa paulit ulit para na siyang lullaby na nilalambing ako patulog. patak. nagising sa gitna ng gabi iniisip bakit ako nagigising sayo. isang hugis, walang kulay, boring mong tunog. patak patak.

nagkwento ka ng nararamdaman mo. wala akong ibang magawa kundi makinig. patak. minsan nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kinalalagyan mo. pero nawawala yun kung paano mo harapin ang problema mo. patak. patak. hindi ako makatulog iniisip kung ok ka lang. ramdam kong nahihirapan ka. patak. kung umiiyak ka man makakatulog ka kasi mapapagod ka. patak. biglang magigising ako mapapaginipan kita, bakit lagi kitang iniisip? patak. ikaw na dati ko ng alam na boring kausap. patak. nakakaiyak andito nanaman tayo sa senaryong ito. patak patak.

'Kay gandang anghel laging nasa aking tabi. ikaw ang sumasalo ng bawat patak ng luha ko sa gabi, at ang nagdadala ng ngiti sa aking umaga. sanggol pa lang ako andiyan ka na. ikaw ang ginamit ng Diyos para may magbantay sakin. ikaw ang nagsilbing gabay sa buhay ko. hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko pag wala ang guardian angel ko. dahil ikaw ang unang unang bestfriend ko, ang unang kaibigan ko. wala akong pwede itago sayo dahil bawat kanto ng buhay ko alam mo. ikaw ang walking journal ko. Dapat kang ipagmalaki sa lahat ng tao. Isa kang biyaya ng Diyos. Masaya ako kaya't pinagmamalaki kita.

Pinakilala kita sa lahat ng kaibigan ko pero hindi ko nagustuhan ang resulta nito...

hindi ako nagseselos, hindi rin ako naiinggit. nakakabingi kasi wala na akong narinig sakanila kung hindi "MAS SIYA SAYO" hindi ako galit, hindi rin masama ang loob ko sayo. nalulungkot ako kasi hindi ako tulad mo. nahihirapan ako kasi naikukumpara ako sayo. nahihiya ako pag ako naman ang pinapakilala mo. nakikita ko ang wala ako, ramdam ko ang ating pagkakaiba. Anghel ba naman ang ikumpara sa tulad ko? masakit kasi kahit anong mangyari hindi ako makikipagkompetensya. pagdating sayo hindi talaga, hindi ko gagawin at malamang hindi ko kakayanin. masasaktan lang ako lalo kasi masasaktan din kita.

wala kang ginawang mali. hindi mo kasalanan na ganyan ka. kaya di mo kailangan humingi ng patawad. kahit na gusto kong lumayo sayo, hindi rin pwede. nakatatak ka na sa puso ko eh, sa buhay ko. hindi kita kayang iwan.

masaya ako para sayo, kung ano ka at anong kinalalagyan mo. ikaw ang nagdala sa sarili mo kung asan ka ngayon. Magaling ka, maalam sa bagay bagay pero hindi ko ninais maging tulad mo, dahil magkaiba tayo. sana lang makita yun ng iba, di porket nanggaling ako sayo dapat pareho tayo.

no sense

words that seem right. words that felt right but saying it now is not right for me, doesnt feel right me saying it to him. heart broken. fake smile. good advice. trying to be a good friend when the whole world said it was crazy to be friends with him.

"im happy for you" sounds so bitter to me, now. words that doesnt sound right to me anymore. "smiling while your heart is aching" is getting old. "dont be afraid to get hurt, its a part of it" wasnt so much of a good advice for me to him. the great pretender.

i could give advices that are good for him, but not for me. it hurts. i ended the blue morning with a hug, and a long look in his eyes trying to figure out when i can have him again. i need to separate his friend and his admirer in me. i heard my heart shatter to pieces, i felt it crack. i felt very human. and it felt wrong, this was new to me.

i miss you.

Bag

araw araw dala ko itong bag. bawat araw nadadagdagan ang laman. bumibigat.

bubuhatin ko sa likod, pag nangawit papatong sa ulo, pag sumakit gagawing shoulder bag.

kahit anong mangyari dadalhin ko pa rin, ako lang ang magbubuhat. kasi hinayaan kong bumigat, pumayag ako na magpalagay ng gamit ng iba, may space pa eh pero kahit hindi na suksok lang! ako ang magbubuhat kasi bag ko 'to. ako ang may kasalanan, desisyon ko kung bakit bumigat ito ng ganito. kahit hindi na pantay ang braso, hirap na ang leeg ko at ang likod ko pilit kong binuhat ang punong puno na pilit ko pang pinupuno na bag. hanggang nung isang araw bumigay ang bag. nakita ko ang lahat ng gamit na nilagay ko, nilagay ng iba. mga tinatago ko, mga dapat ng itapon at mga dapat itago. mga alaala, mga kaibigan, mga kwento, mga problema. napansin ko out of the 100%, 10% lang ang gamit ko na tunay kong matatawag na akin. 10% na ako lang, na akin lang, walang kahati.

tama na. bumili ako ng bagong bag. bag na para sakin lang. pupunuin ko to ng 90% me at 10% others. nakakapagod ng buhatin ang iba eh

Salamin

matatapos na ang 2weeks ko dito sa thailand. its a good experience for me, i actually like it here. pero not that much to live here, mas pipiliin ko pa rin sa pinas. anyways, habang nagtuturo ako kanina sa kids jam. habang nagbibilang ng 5 6 7 8 bigla akong napatingin sa sarili ko sa salamin parang unang beses ko nakita sarili ko. unang beses ko nakita na nagtuturo ako. what was once a picture in my mind is now a reality happening. napangiti ako ng ilang segundo, at bumalik ang tingin ko sa mga studyante ko habang sinasayaw nila ang turo ko. pero tinignan ko ulit sarili ko, sandali lang :) nakakatuwa kasi... andito ako sa dream ko. totoo siya. i can see it. i can feel it. im in it. im doing it.

everything will fall into place. dream big!

Thailand trip: 3 in 1 package

last night, some of my friends gave me a surprise visit/inuman. Drinking is my vice but not my addiction. I just seem like an alcoholic but im not :) what im addicted to is my friends, the company. i like being around them, i mean who doesn't? ok so we were having a real good time. i was sitting in my chair looking straight but it felt like i was riding a roller coaster ride. i drank too much. oooops i drank soooo much that i ended up hugging the toilet and showering it with my love from inside out, if you know what i mean?:) Trying to make myself stand after hugging the toilet, made me feel lonely and not so excited of what saturday and the weeks after may bring. this is when i proved that a toilet is a thinking chair.

i get a loud wake up call from my dad "Giannina! tumayo ka diyan!" to cut it short, i got scolded. i wasnt suppose to drink for a month but i did and i got wasted. i didnt tell them i was going to drink. basically its my fault. im sorry. "Give me one good reason kung bakit papayagan pa kita pumunta ng thailand?"

I get to travel, i get to dance. and i get to do one of my dreams...to teach kids hiphop. Riding that plane means a dream becoming true. (the 3 in 1 package)

Thailand, here i come.

-------

Thank you Lord for giving me this talent, and thank you for making dreams come true :) lab yu sobra mehn!

habang nakainom II

gusto ko lang ilabas ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. so kung nababasa mo ito. SHHHHH

sinubukan ko ang the bar strawberry, masarap siya. ang bango sobra. wala naman amats pero masarap magsulat ng naka-inom.

hirap akong aminin sa sarili, kung kaya't mas mahirap na sabihin ko sa iba.

di ko kayang tanggapin na mawawala ka na sa akin, napakasakit na marining na ayaw mo na sa akin kaya't heto ako basang basa sa ulan, walang masisilungan. pero ulaaaaaaaaaan sinong di mapapasayaw sa ulan?

ang ibig ko sabihin is i dont get it. hindi ka naman kagwapuhan, katalinuhan, hindi ka naman mabango, hindi ka rin ganun kasaya kausap kasi hindi ka good conversationalist and not a really good personality. sometimes you're a douche bag! alam kong mawawala ka sakin, knowing you? masakit pero hindi naman napakasakit, istorbo ka lang kasi sa isipan. leche. kaya the other day nung pumarty si basyang dito medyo feel na feel ko ang rain drops :)) pero syempre dahil i love the rain inenjoy ko ang moment kaya happy pa rin ako. back to the point, i dont get it.

so after ilang shots. maybe its because i cant have you. naiinis ako kasi pag may crush ako, alam kong magkakagusto din sakin. confident? pero oo, bihira ako magkacrush. hindi ko alam bakit. i feel like im the cruela deville having her meddling ways to get what she wants. oh but you didnt fall for the trap. and like most cruela deville plans, it would seem to get there but it wouldn't. you almost fell in the pit. dapat tinulak na kita...1st fall mo na dapat yun oh!

i sound like im a pissed brat. and thats not a good picture...

i dont know if i like you, like you or i like you because you're challenging or i like the challenge but not you.

i dont get it.

Jeep

Araw araw pumapasada, iisa lang ang arangkada. Lahat tayo’y konektado sa jeep na ‘to dahil isang beses sa buhay natin naupo tayo. Nakapagisip, natanungan ng katabi, nalimosan ng batang kalye, nagulat sa biglang preno ni manong at nagising, lampas ka na pala. Anong kwento meron ka? baka magkapareho kayo ni Juan kung saan araw araw siyang nagaabang ng kwento sa loob ng jeep.

Matagal ng wala si Lola Mela, umalis ang anak na si Lito. Pero kahit ganun ang kapalaran mas pinili ng matanda maging masaya kesa magmukmok at magpakalasing habang buhay. Kung kaya’t mas pinagtutuunan niya ng pansin ang pagpapalaki sa apo niya. Hindi na bumabata si Tatang, at lumalaki na si Juan, gusto niya itong mapalaki sa tama. Nais niya sa buhay ay maging matatag, madiskarte at maging maprinsipyo habang nagsisimula pa lang ang biyahe ng buhay ng bata.

Halos lumaki si Juan sa loob ng jeep, dahil sa lolo niyang Jeepney driver. Sumama sa araw-araw na pasada kung saan may kwentong hinahanap at napupulot. Mas gusto niyang sumama sa Tatang kesa makipaglaro sa mga bata sakanila dahil sa kababawan ng kwento ng pilosopo niyang lolo alam niyang may laman itong aral.

Mahirap lang sila pero kuntento na si Tatang. Ramdam niya ito sa tuwing isusuot niya ang asul niyang polo na nagsisilbing uniporme niya. Masayang may trabaho, masaya na hindi nag- iisa at kasama ang apo, masaya na simple lang ang buhay. Pagsakay sa jeep, at makikitang nakatulog ang apo sa loob mas lalo niyang naiisip ang pagpapalaki kay Juan. May dramang “its you and me” against the world si Tatang na lumipas ang ilang taon ganun din ang naramdaman ni Juan.

Di nagtagal si Juan na ang nag-aalaga sa lolo. Kaya di rin nagtagal nanghihina na ang matanda. Isang araw habang nagaantay mapuno ang jeep, nakaramdam na si Tatang. Pinababa ng binata ang lahat, at tinakbo ang lolo sa hospital.

Sa unang beses sa buhay niya naging pasahero si Juan. Sumakay ng jeep papuntang ospital para bisitahin ang pinaka mamahal niyang lolo. Habang nasa biyahe pinagtuunan niyia ng pansin ang halos lahat. Naalala niya ang sabi ng lolo “Ang kwento ng buhay natin nasa loob ng jeep,” at doon niya nabigyang kahulugan ang mga napansin niya, napagdaanan niya, nasubukan at ang buhay niya.

Ang pagsuot ng uniporme, paalala ng estado nila sa buhay. Pag init ng makina, ang paghahanda ng sarili sa ano mang mangyayari. Aarangkada na ang Jeep, ang simula ng byahe ng buhay. Mga pasaherong sasakay, mga bagong karakter na magbibigay kahulugan sa iyong pagkatao. Ang pagbayad, paalala na hindi tayo ang may hawak ng buhay, tulad ng hindi pagkontrol sa kita ng isang jeepney driver sa araw araw. Ang pagaabot ng bayad, pinapakita ang mga tutulong sayo. Ang pagsusukli, pagbibigay ng kung ano ang sapat. Pag hinto, na sa kahit anong bilis ng mga pangyayari sa buhay, may mangyayari na tayo’y hihinto. Ang traffic, na magpapatagal ng lahat. na may magtutuloy ng laban ng buhay. Ang bagong sakay. Nandito nga ang kwento. “Ito nga ang buhay namin. Ito ang kwentong jeep.”

kasama si ex sa panaginip

madilim, maluwag parang infinite space pero room. ang nakita ko lang dalawang upuan, sa gitna ng mga ito isang projector na nakapatong sa table...dahan dahan kong naramdaman na may umakbay sakin hanggan maka upo. hindi ko siya tinignan kasi napupuzzle ako sa nakikita ko, anong meron? medyo masama kutob ko eh.

umupo kaming dalawa. sabay nagsimula ang palabas. ako at siya from 3 years ago

mga panahon ng habulan, at taya tayaan. magaaway, may hahabol. tapos ikaw naman taya ako naman hahabol. hanggang sa naramdaman ng isa nahihirapan na siya huminga. time out muna, pero sa larong 'to walang time out. kasali ka ba o hindi? will you stay or will you leave?

tuloy tuloy pa rin ang palabas. mas bumabaon ang sakit.

reliving the 1st heart break, reliving the pain. but what made me burst into tears is when i saw what he saw. what he saw when he fell in love, what he saw when he fell out of love. what he saw when he wanted me back, what he saw when he said maybe i'll just come back because i chose to be with someone else who was never mine. he was crying and i didnt do anything.

i couldn't watch anymore, but i could still hear it. i didnt want to see any more, i looked at him and he was holding back his tears.

i was mean. i was unfair. i was irrational. ungrateful. i used and abused him when he was trying to get me back. just to get my revenge. i broke his heart because he broke mine. im wrong. im sorry

__________________

Aldrich...my botot, im sorry.

__________________

i woke up and cried.

when i checked my phone "1 message received: Aldrich"

Hello 20

Warning: medyo KADIRE

Note: medyo funny rin

at dahil hindi na ako teenager, mas madami pa akong dapat malaman as a true "ADULT" (by age). hindi lang malaman, pati mga pagsubok na darating. my first day of being 20, maraming unforgettable experiences. kakaibang birthday celeb...

1. pagkamulat ng mata sa kaarawan ko, diretso hospital ang punta ko

2. kinuhanan ako ng dugo

3. kinuhanan ako ng dugo ng hindi ako kumakapit kay daddy (hindi ko kaya pag hindi ko hawak kamay ni daddy)

4. doctors of different fields, and sizes. nurses with different uniforms ang mga kasama ko for this birthday...(i asked God na iba makasama ko this birthday ko. lesson learned: BE SPECIFIC)

5. doctor: naninigarilyo?

nicole: hindi

doctor: umiinom?

nicole: oo

doctor: may mens ngayon?

nicole: wala

doctor: kelan last?

nicole: 2 weeks ago?

doctor: have you ever had any sexual contact?

nicole: NO!

doctor: wala ah? kasi posibleng pregnant

6. after having been checked by the surgeon, the nurse steps in

nurse: may tatanong lang po ako (mukhang medyo hesitant tanungin)

nicole: go!

nurse: are you sexually active?

nicole: NO!!!!

7. Number 4 and 5 was happening while my dad was beside me. AWKWARD!

8. 1st time pumasok sa delivery room, and i always thought the only time ill be entering that room is when im in labor na!

9. 1st time ob gyne check up (the feeling of being half naked under that hospital blanket wasnt right)

10. i needed to undergo an ultrasound, but its standard procedure to have this test. My 1st pregnancy test.

11. "NEGATIVE" ang result, tinignan ko daddy ko mukhang nakahinga siya ng maluwag. HAHA

12. 1st and hopefully the last trans-rectal ultrasound. (GRAAAAAAAAABEEEEEE) it was abusive, not right, sooo wrong and ughhhh i dont know what to say

13. "open your legs wider" ang sabi ng dalawang doctor sa loob ng ultrasound room (THE HORROR, THE OBSCURITY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)

14. ACUTE APPENDICITIS - sakit ko..ganda ng gift ah :)

15. habang nagaantay madischarge sa hospital, nakasalubong ko ulit yung 1st doctor na nagattend sakin

doctor: oh okay ka na?

nicole: opo

doctor: ano kaya nangyari sayo?

nicole: di ko nga po alam eh

doctor: baka in heat lang ovaries mo

nicole: (back of my mind) MEH GANUN!???

16. sinabi yan ng doctor habang katabi ko ang daddy ko...(AWKWARD)

17. the doctor said not to do any strenuous activities within 24hours. I played bowling... twice haha

18. the nurse said soft diet for 24hours, i ate a hearty meal at my favorite JT Manukan. Chicken Pecho and Itlog maalat :) SARAAAAAAP

19. i didnt blow my birthday candle, i didnt have any (diba ganun pag matanda na hindi na uso nagbloblow ng candles?)

20. a day thats just ME and DAD, that rarely happens :)

**i felt happy naman. i think i got what i asked the Lord.

next time i should be specific. sana mag 21 na ako!!!!