ngiti ng buwan

kaninang madaling araw, mga 4am. habang naglalakad papunta sa bahay tinignan ko ng mabuti ang buwan. feeling ko nasa sine ako at nasabi kong "gusto ko maalala ng mabuti ang gabing ito" tinuro at inasinta ang buwan, sinubukan kong itrace ang kumikinang na ngiti sa inuumagang langit.

ang ngiting kitangkita ng lahat sa kadiliman ng gabi. ang ngiti na nagsasabi sakin na may masaya sa kaarawan ko. ang ngiti na nagbibigay kasiyahan sakin sa tuwing hindi ko makita ang kalinawan sa mundo ko. ang ngiti na nagpapaalala na sa dami ng tao ako ang nginingitian niya. ang ganda ng buwan, kung pwede lang mayakap siya gagawin ko. sana andun na lang ako sa tabi niya. sana lagi na lang gabi para makita ko siya....

pero mawawala ang ngiti sa araw na parating. inantay ko siya buong araw ngayon. hindi ko matanggal sa isip ang ganda ng kanyang ngiti...sa pag sapit ng gabi...ako'y naglakad sa labas ng bahay....at makita ko nawala na ang ngiti. iniwan na ako. malamang ay nakangiti siya ibang taong mas kinakailangan siya.

paalam buwan, paalam.

bakit babae ako?

hanggang ngayon tinatanong ko bakit ako ginawa ni Lord na babae?
ang hirap eh.

magsusuot ng dress, ikaw pa malalagay sa piligro.
menstruation,tapos every month? anak ng tupa
haba ng buhok, ang init init.
kelangan laging maayos at malinis tignan, kasi babae ka...
hmmmmmm at higit sa lahat, napaka insecure ng mga babae...

Damn i cant handle all of that. lalo na pag nagsabay sabay
hmmmmm

Lord, whatever your plan is, your reason for making me a girl please tell me.
because i cant seem to understand...but then again you're God, a lot of things about you i dont understand and only you can explain....kasi no one else can explain it.

please and thank you. I love you!!

mad heart.

naka upo sa upuan sa isang malaking kwarto. nakatungo ang ulo habang nakatali ang kamay. hindi na ako magsasalita. ang kulit ng pulis. paulit ulit ang tanong. hindi marunong tumigil. hindi marunong bumitaw muna sa usapan. talak ng talak. napagod na ako sa kakasagot. ipagpipilitan pa rin niya ang kanya. anong silbi ng mga salita ko kung hindi din naman pakikinggan? nasabi ko nga ang sagot pero hindi naman pinaniniwalaan. anong silbi? parang tinali ang bibig ko.

sa upuang ito naramdaman kong ako'y unwanted. tingin ko sa sarili ay tropeyo. may ningning pero sa totoo lang gamit lang siya. ginagamit lang ako.

tumahimik ang pulis. nangawit siguro ang bibig. silencio.
kinakain na ng tenga ko ang katahimikan
nakakairita ang tunog
hindi ko matagalan
hanggang narinig ko ang malakas na sunod sunod na kabog
ang puso kong nagngingitngit sa galit.

language

"quid recipitur ad modum recipientis recipitur" i dont really know who said this but i cant forget this line from college. It simply means the message's meaning depends on how the receiver received it. well ummm thats how i understood it. i can draw a number 3 on the board and to me it may look like a unfinished cloud drawing, a tail of a pig or a butt.

its a good life lesson.
it may mean nothing to you, but it means the world to me
it may mean so much to you, but its worthless for me.

what if we had just one language? no more understanding. no more effort of talking.
we all speak different languages
we all have to learn.
lets speak their language.

love love love.
love language :)

die plastik, die

kay galing ng plastic, para silang may reproductive system dumadami sila
nakakalat sa kalye, sa fast food chains, sa bahay, sa church, sa office
you see plastic everywhere
galing ng plastic kasi they last long :) tagal talaga...
i think the only way to get rid of them is to burn them...pero feeling ko magmemelt lang sila tapos plastic pa rin.

ano kaya ang mundo ng plastic. para silang protective seal. pantakip, pang harang sa mga laman niya from the rest of the world around it. ayaw niya magpaepekto sa ibang substance.

plastic jar, plastic bag, plastic glass, plastic cover o plastik na tao. parepareho ang plastik

im amazed with their kind. they last long....
but they last alone...
last alone with their own kind.
Die plastic, die!!

yakap

mag-aaway, magsisigawan
magdedebate, palalakihin
iiyak ako, iiyak siya
hihinga ng malalim

biglang darating muli
ang pero at kasi
pataasan ng boses
nasa opera ba ako?

paikot na roller coaster
nakakahilo
nakakasuka
pero matibay ang tiyan ko

kahit ganito
ayoko tumigil
kayang tiisin
kayang kaya

masarap mayakap
pagkatapos ng away
iba ang init, iba ang feeling
mas malalim ang ibig sabihin.

hindi ako cry baby!

ang hirap magpigil ng luha. parang chinochoke sarili. iniimagine ko na yung tubig na dapat maging tears eh naiipon sa loob tapos nalulunod ako. tapos diba pag nalulunod tapos naka singhot ka ng water? hirap makahinga, masikip sa dibdib at higit sa lahat masakit sa ilong. ganun!!

hirap ah!

insecurity

parang anay na dahan dahan kinakain ang kahoy
parang garapata na grabe kung kumapit
peste.

to drink

to drink is to feel
is to be numb
is to cry
to laugh and cry
to drink is to hear
to be deaf
to escape
to drink is to be in a trap
to drink is to look you in the eye
to drink is to talk
to drink is to speak the unspoken truth inside your heart that you've been wanting to let out
good or bad...
a door to say it the way you want it without thinking :)

lets drink

ako si wonderwoman

ako si wonderwoman,
kaya ko magpalit ng suot ng mabilisan basta't para sayo
bigla na lang ako lilipad narinig kong humingi ka ng tulong.
may automatic sensor ang tenga ko sa boses mo,
hihilain na lang ako bigla ng hangin papunta sayo.
ang saya tuwing nasasapak ko pababa sa ilalim ng lupa ang iyong problema, nasisipa palayo ang dinadamdam ng puso mo, natatalo ang mga kinakatakutan mo...
masaya ako na nagagawa ko yun para sayo...

sana ikaw din. kasi kahit ang pinakamatapang ay mangangailangan ng tagapagtanggol...

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

ngayon ko lang napanuod. so its good, but i dont agree with the message.
for me the message is "the more you forget, the more you remember"

which i saw first sa assistant and the doctor. they both agreed its for the best but its obviously not. their (doc and assistant) case pointed out na ang madaliang solusyon doesnt work. find the quickest exit, and you're running away from the problem. doesnt matter how fast you are, or far you've gone, you're running in a treadmill. andun ka pa rin.

"the more you forget, the more you remember" when you rant, you shout out all the things you are pissed about and that's remembering, even worst dinidiin mo.
so i say dont forget, remember! deal with it, live with it. if you get hurt, in time you will heal :)

its the pain, the struggle, the pace, the training, the process that makes finishing the race beautiful and get that sweet victory :)

oh clementine, be the crazy you. someone will live with you and love you.

mas

lagi na lang may MAS magaling, MAS ok, MAS maganda, MAS masaya, MAS MAS MAS..
paulit ulit ko na lang sinasabi ang salitang MAS. para mawala na siya ng ibig sabihin. kasi sabi nila if it becomes everyday then it becomes normal...making you feel "so what"

MAS masakit pag naikumpara sa taong wala kang laban. tulad ng ganda ng nanay ko.
hindi ako galit sakanya, wala akong sama ng loob. alam ko maganda siya, at pag nakita niyo for sure you'd agree. i have nothing against her being pretty...its the people around us comparing me to her.

MASakit. kasi walang akong laban. kasi hindi naman ako pwede lumayo sakanya. kasi the people who compare me to her are my friends, her friends...i cannot defend myself kasi ill look stupid.

bakit kasi sakanya pa ako nanggaling.

tren

nakasakay ako sa jeep papuntang UST.
e.rodriguez - g.araneta - q.i - welcome rotonda tapos espana
bago pa makaabot sa UST yung jeep tatawirin yung daanan ng tren.
Isang beses sa inaasahang pagkakataon...nastuck yung jeep sa pagtawid dun sa riles. parang cartoons, andun ako nakasakay sa siksik na jeep, yung jeep nakatigil sa may riles at paparating na yung tren...ramdam kong bumibilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko pero hindi ako gumalaw sa kinauupuan ko. inaantay ko pang magflash back ang buhay ko pero wala... hindi pa ako mamamatay

kahit nakita ko na sa sine ang scenaryong iyon, kahit yung pa ang maging rason ng aking pagkamatay. it doesnt happen in real life all the time.

Im a fan

Toto Villaruel, a young unconventional wedding photographer, continues to make a buzz in the industry as he perseveres to master what he loves to do. His unique, or should i say “weird”style of framing moments has captured the attention and hearts of many couples, aspiring wedding photographers and ummm everyone. 3 years in the business, with 200+ weddings, and i-dont-know how many engagement sessions…you will definitely look forward to his next posts and blogs :)

I did :) i even remember telling myself “i want to be a great wedding photographer someday,” after seeing his shot of a couple in Enchanted Kingdom years ago. The playfulness, the drama, the awkward/different framing, the complex to the simple kilig shots. Easily he defined his style, and quickly you can say “kay Toto Villaruel yang shot na yan!” Getting to work with him was super nakaka-pressure, but with that experience I instanly became a fan of not only his work but how he works. He talks to the couple as if they were long time friends; makes them feel comfortable when he instructs them how to pose or just be themselves in the shoot; his laugh will make you laugh so we’ll altogether laugh and that breaks the ice. He’s very professional. And its a guaranteed fun-filled shoot with him :)

For the past weeks, i’ve been observing him and the people around him, especially in the online community. Every time he gets a message in Tumblr saying a thank you for a follow back, he tells me “I just made someone’s day today”. And he’s happy about it. Or when 3 or more people likes his post on FB, he goes “woah madami naglike” as if he’s not used to people liking his posts. When he gets a number of inquiries in his e-mail, he’s like “dami!” like he doesnt get that a lot. When someone says “Uy Toto!” when we were walking somewhere, or “papicture naman po” thinking he will take the picture when that someone is asking for a picture with him :) A person happy with the simple things :)

Im a fan of his works, how he works, his personality, his character, his artistic-self but most of all, im a fan of his love :) YIKEEEEEEEE!

2months together and parang ang tagal na namin. I tell you its hard not to fall in love with him everyday :) but *ehem* sorry but he’s mine!

Ricardo, Happy 2nd monthsary. Thank you for making me part of your day, week, months and life. I appreciate your effort of going to my place everyday, feeling ko ang ganda ganda ko. A big hug for always smiling at me, whenever i ask you to smile! The Lord has given me favor for giving me someone who’s great like you :)

I know you are destined for greatness sweetheart. Im excited! and as a fan, i will gladly document it. I will always be here to support you, and support what you love to do! well, ummm 50-50 sa shopping! haha

I love you so much!

your no.1 fan

-NICOLAI

ipit na luha

hindi nababago pero nahuhulma
kayang itago sa tamang halaga
hindi naman talaga nawawala
permanenteng maskara
tago ang tunay na itsura

mahirap magtago sa pangalan ng iba
lalo na't kagandahan at perpekto siya
masakit na maikumpara
nakakasakal ang paghanga ng iba

sana maintindihan ang sakit
ang hiya, ang ipit na luha
sa bawat paghanga sakanya
titignan ako ng mababa

hindi kagandahan, ang hirap pala.
kahit anong tindig o ngiti di uubra
mananatiling tahimik
dahil ang sikipsikip na sa dibdib

siya ang pinanggalingan
bakit ako naiba?
ako ang bunga niya
bakit ako ang naiba?

masarap mainlove

ilang beses ko ng nasabi ang "i love you" at kung ilan beses ko sinabi ang mga salitang yun ay ganun din kadami ang "good bye" na narinig ko. gayun pa man ay hindi ako natakot mainlove muli. Kaya ang dami kong naging ka-MU (mutual understanding. yak), mga kalandian at mga no commitment relationship na parang tanga lang. dating sila ng dating, at alis din sila ng alis.

hindi ako bitter. hinahayaan ko sila, choice nilang makipagrelasyon sakin at kung mas alam nila na para hindi kami sa isat isa edi GO! thank you to you pa :)

madami dami na akong nabitawan na linya. matatamis na salita, pampakilig na text, mga pangako, ang mga "pag-tanda natin" na phrases...lahat ng sinabi ko ay totoo, galing sa puso pero ngayon ang mga salitang yun ay wala ng saysay, patay na salita.

sa kasalukuyan, ako'y inlove. at hindi ko sasabihin na i've never felt like this before because i've felt like this before. i've been inlove. hindi ko sasabihin na this is different just because im inlove with him right now. hindi ko rin sasabihin na siya na, dahil sa kakailang "siya na" baka magaya siya sa iba at mawala.

ang gusto ko sabihin ay...sana siya ang unang nasabihan ko ng i love you. wala ng ibang lalaki. SANA siya LANG ang nasabihan at sasabihan ko ng i love you. pakiramdam ko nasayang ang mga naisip kong salita, nagawang tula, nasulat na love letters dahil para sakanyan lang yun dapat.

feeling ko sinayang ko.

kung pwede lang na lahat ng sinabi ko ay transferrable sa minamahal ko ngayon, eh gagawin ko. kung kaya't pasensiya na mahal ko kung madami akong nasabihan bago ko nasabi sayo. pero eto hindi ko pa nasabi, hindi ko naisip noon, ngayon ko lang naramdaman at sayo ko lang sasabihin:

God is pleased when i love you.

so ill love you more

P.S.

so ummmm

i wont stop loving you? if you let me :)

its what i prayed for

did you ever see God as a genie? a lamp that you had to rub 3 times just so you can get the thing you want the most?...what if genie says "NO!" pffft throw the lamp!! burn it!! bye...

back when i was in highschool, my love for the Lord was so errrr gigil that i asked and asked. so i did good works, participated in activities brought people to join me and "worship"...things that made me feel gigil about Him, but really pointed to no direction. it was simply giving the Lord an empty hug.

asking for what you need IS NOT BAD!! it is what you need, and that is fine. asking and asking and you will get another question...do you need it? and so we put tall wall defenses and explain how this want has become a need...but you know its sugar coating.

hmmmmm this time around, as i have been becoming closer to my awesome God. instead of asking, i give it to Him.

"Lord i lift up my need of ...."

i can always ask him, for he says "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open for you" but He knows my needs, and im secured it'll be provided.

I prayed for something. for someone. and He gave it to me :) I did not deserve it...because im a sinner. but He gave him to me.

when you sin and you proudly say i dont regret it...the Lord finds its way to break you down on the floor! and its what happened.

i want it to be right. so i layed down my cards just to start it right...but i wasnt forgiven for this. and im taking the silent treatment...this is my consequence. i deserve an even graver consequence than this...ill take it. silence means becoming sensitive to what others have to say.

ill take it, all of it! not because i want to be forgiven, or that i deserve this but because i want to make it right.

not because no one sees it doesnt mean no one will know.

blowjob

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A tour of the unseen

A week ago i was in Bangkok, Thailand both for pleasure and for business. After two days of shopping, my mom treated herself and i to a tour. the night before the tour we had our outfits prepared, almost identical but not so :)

First off, Floating market :) i've always seen pictures of this place and being there in the boat, in the market was AAAAAHHH i felt like i was riding a national geographic roller coaster ride. Everyone was in a boat, even stores on a boat. It was literally a floating market. You have people selling fruits, clothes, bags, accessories, and even grilled food! how yummy is that. i was enjoying the chaos, the bump to bump of our boat to another, the water, the noise, other tourists enjoying, people trying to bargain. I wish i could grasp the feeling but I was having a good time just looking. But we reached a corner where they were making stalls beside the river, it was so quiet so fixed...it wasnt really appealing to me. Even one of the passengers in our boat said "its better when its noisy." My boat ride ended with me having a bbq :)

Originally after the floating market, we were supposed to be in the Grand Palace. Instead we got a side trip at the elephant village. It was nice seeing a herd of elephants walking around me. i felt like i was a fan of elephants, i mean i only see them in books and tv so to see them face to face is like "yipeee!" My mom bought a basket of bananas to feed this gentle beasts but she kept shouting terrified and excited haha when it was my turn i got a little rattled too but i got the hang of it. There snout is really slimy. Fun!

Another side trip was the handicrafts factory. I know we have this in the Philippines but i never got to see it. Walking around seeing the artist do their thing, cant help but smile. They were so damn good in what they do. Such art and what mans hands can do. but i got bored easily there.

The grand finale, the Grand Palace :) Oh what beauty of architecture and culture. Thanks to our tour guide, Christie i got a quick background of the place but i didn't listen that much because i couldn't understand her well. The gold paint, the details the colors, the temples, the statues, the respect, the prestige. wow. the most beautiful temple among all was the temple of the emerald buddha. so sparkly, royal. i sat there and just marveled at the place.

As i sat there, i thought of Jesus. slowly i realized that in the 3 stops it was all about Him. The difference between the chaotic floating market, and the soon-to-float commercialized floating market made me see more the beauty in a mess. We are a mess but He still finds us beautiful despite all the shit that we've been into. Holding the rough dry skin of the elephant was a reminder that He is God, how great He is to have in mind to create such creature. Ang galing eh. The hands of a handicrafts man creating this image from a block of wood with such imagination, this was a man what more God's creation? Looking around the temple of the emerald buddha made me want to cry...all of this gold, the effort of preservation, the respect, honor and love the people had for a non-living god compared to what man did to Jesus when he was here, they spit, hit, made fun of Him, and killed him. What did buddha do to deserve this treatment? what did Jesus do to deserve this from man?

It was a tour of the unseen, a tour of display of what God really wants me to see.

losing the inspiration

i've been wanting to write again but i couldn't. no inspiration? im really not sure.
i find it lame when people tell me they need inspiration to write, to dance, to perform or to do whatever. Lame because they depend on other things to get them on the go. or maybe lame because they knew Edgar Allan Poe had to drink first before he writes? The norms of this world build who you are. but should it be that way?

Can losing the inspiration be the inspiration? yes, and only some could find the sense in it. It can be the drive for you to write again, dance, or just wake up everyday. the feeling of having no soul, makes you want to have a soul. and it is your journey to get that want. for the emptiness inside is never filled by another, but it is filled by self. others only patch the hole that defines your emptiness, they can only pacify but never satisfy.

find the beauty in the mess, it is a world not everyone is willing to explore. they look at the mess and just see it as is. thats why they hate it, why they always want to get away, to escape from. maybe finding the beauty in the mess brings peace in self. there just agitated because they are not in their comfort zone. but how can it be a comfort zone if you're not willing to make it one?

i could lead this entry to the norms and how i hate and love them. but i feel i've reached my point. losing the inspiration is my inspiration.