Tapusin mo saka-NIYA

natutuwa sa bawat ngiti
Madaling mahawa sa halakhak
simpleng tingin, parang kinikiliti ang puso
pag nang ako’y hila, bumibigay ang tuhod

Bawat apak sumusunod ang mata
Bawat patak nakikinig ang puso
Tugtog ng aking buhay, sinasayawan
Onting maiaalay, pinakikiramdaman

umikot ikot ang tanong sa ulo
ang hirap iabot ang oo na inaabangan
parang highschool ang utak
nagtatantrums, pumapadyak pa mga paa

ganito talaga ang araw-araw
gusto o ayaw lang ang desisyon
nakakabugnot pero alam kong nasisiyahan na ako ang kasama
nakakaloko pero ang lahat ng pagtitiis ko para sa ka….
_________________________________________
dugtungan mo ang lahat ng sinabi ko
tapusin natin ang kwentong ito
magbabago ang storya ng sinulat ko
pag tinapos mo ang lahat ang linya sa salitang “niya”

baba.

its christmas break. and you know what that means :) endless party and unending yummy food which results into cute bellies and chubby faces. i dont know if its just me but i know a lot could relate to me.

BABA...BABA...BABA...baboy ako. grabe pag christmas break or kahit anong break. gusto ko magimpose ng competition sa mga kaibigan ko...PATABAAN OH!? ano ano? pero syempre joke lang yun. but i swear and i know i get fat when we have breaks. staying at home is not good. ironic? but yes. when all you can see is the same corners over and over again. you have nothing to do then a rumbling sound call onto you, you get hungry and you answer that call, you eat.

i call my home, my land of sweets. chocolates, cookies, milo and if im lucky ice cream in the freezer...ALL FOR FREE :) and if i want anything more, i ask the fairylooking God-given mother to give it to me or i tell the beast who turns into mom's prince charming to get me something good to eat. yes, when im at home its like a fairytale. am i hansel? or gretel?

BABA...BABA...BABA...batugan ako. i sleep late but i wake up early...early for dinner. today i woke up 2pm because i slept 4am. doing what? plants vs zombies. pag break nga naman oh. parang you have loads and lots of time. NOT. im graduating and time is gold. NOT. time should be used very wisely, but am i? HAHAHA NOT. i sleep i wake up and it repeats.

i dont really have time coz when i wake up, i have 1 hr munimuni on my bed, i look into the fridge. i think of what i should do...okay i get stuck. i just think but i dont do it.

BABA...BABA...BABA...baho ko na. i make my room messy, its like a jungle in here. oh in my closet? man!! FOREST. i dont know where to find my clothes from my bags from my shoes. HAHA its fun here. and since i just woke up, i just ate...im tatamad to take a bath. today i woke up 2pm ate lunch ng 330pm. ate merienda at 5pm and ate dinner 6:30pm...i took a bath :D yes hahaha i just took a bath and i brushed my teeth...

hmmmmm

BABA..BABA...BABA...BABAE ako. maniwala kayo sa hindi. babae ako, i just dont practice it like others does :)
i dont mind getting wounded, breaking a nail or getting dirty. i get roudy at times and i hang out with anyone or everyone.
i wish i was a guy but im fine im a girl :) i bully, i make fun of people and yet they love me still. thats how i love them more when they can stand the stench, the lousiness, the boyishness and the evilness that is me. but yes...i am a girl. i have the organs of a girl so i guess i am. i like guys still. so yeah. i am a girl

___________

just playing :D

Ngiti ng Payaso

walang malungkot, magiging malungkot pagkasama ako. kahit pa umiiyak ka na, i can definitely make you smile. Magaan ang loob ng mga bata sakin, kahit na nakakaloko ang aking itsura. madali sila maaliw sa kulit ng aking personalidad. bawat eksena na gawin ko siguradong magpapasaya sakanila, kaabang abang ang mga gagawin ko. it surprises them. nakikita nila akong masaya, at nagtataka pano maging ganun kasaya? madali lang sakin eh. at ipaparamdam ko sakanila kung gaano kadali yun! SMILE.
pag iniinis ka ng kalaro mo, SMILE.
okay lang ipaparamdam ko pa rin na pwede nila ako maging kaibigan at pag nangyari yun mas magiging masaya ang lahat. nakakatuwa ang mga mukha nila, sumasaya lalo ako pag nakangiti sila, nagaabang ng susunod kong gawin.

ngunit may ibang takot sakin.

hindi ko malaman kung pano ko nagagawa yun. hindi ko masabing emo ako pero ganon lang talaga pag nakita ko ang mga bata, makakalimutan ko ang lahat at pangingitiin sila.

habang suot ko ang maluwag kong damit, tatawa sila magtataka pano ako nagkasya dun. may rason, kelangan makagalaw akong mabuti. para maipakita ko ang skills at talentong maibabahagi ko sainyo. Onting joke dito, tawa kayong lahat. Onting asar sa kaibigan ko, tawa ulit kayo.

Bakas sa aking mukha ang kasiyahan na meron ang puso ko, na gusto kong ipamahagi sa inyo para lahat tayo masaya. pero bakas sa mata ko ang kalungkutan at gutom...gutom na gutom sa kasiyahan. gusto ko masaya ang lahat, ayaw ko kasing nakikita niyong malungkot ako, minsan na nga lang kayong masaya at priveleged na ako na ako ang nagpatawa at nagpangiti sainyo. Gutom na gutom ako para maging masaya, kasi sa loob may pinoproblema ako, may iniintindi pero dahil hindi ko magawang maging masaya, kayo na lang muna.

The great pretender

I sit here, quietly.
Blank as i stare into the window of soul
Silence...
a whisper kills the peace
I hear my heart pounding in anger
Still fists at rage.
Emotionless eyes to hide the inside.
You disgust me.
Look at me! Do you see? hear? feel?
Do you sense anything at all?
I spit on the ground you step on,
You're no better than me.
Play safe, never dare.
Oh what pity.
The facade breaks and falls down.
Walking away? because you can finally hear?
No voice coming out from you, you see.
A hypocrite, break your chest.
Show them who you are,
NOTHING, NOTHING INSIDE.
Insignificant, and futile.
Remove yourself from the history of mankind, as respect to those living.

You are not a friend, definitely not an enemy
you are the great pretender.

______
DIE

it works

for some reason things work out for me :) and i can say that its not luck. im just blessed

I walk in UST and its freaking hot. i say a little prayer
"Lord, ang init!"
tapos biglang dumilim ang sky!! WAAAAAAAAH scary! pero ang galing ni Lord. chiyeah

friends invite me to stay and have a couple of drinks. Biglaan. oh how my parents hate biglaan na plano its 5pm, and i have classes 6pm-9pm. so how does this work? 30mins later i find out the professor is not coming to class! Inuman na!

Eds invites me to a movie. but i have classes ng 3pm. I risk, i go watch. then...suspended classes

Varsi peops wants to go to ek, eh kakadating ko lang from hongkong. so feeling ko hindi ako papayagan. boom! pinayagan ako.
sarap! enjoy and fun

Today for some reason im happy. And out of no where, i find a want to sing the Happy birthday song. I was crossing the street in P. Noval and as manong tricycle finds his way out of the traffic jam, he sings happy birthday to you :) HAHA

I dont know why but it works for me. Thank you.

Hanggang saan

Kelan mo masasabi na kilala mo ang isang tao?

naiirita ako sa tanong na "Ano nga bang alam mo sakin?"

nagngingit ngit ako sa tanong na yan. Do you measure? do i need to enumerate? why will i think of the lil things and the big things that make me know who you are? is this a test? are you my teacher? do you want to be impressed?

Why do people ask these questions. May racing ba ng padamihan ng talagang nakakakilala sayo?

sino kalaban? sino ang kakompetensya?

I love challenges, but to compete and to gain that spot... to be the friend that knows you best? or at least be a friend that knows you?... its not what i aim for. Friendship is no status quo for me, its enough that you allowed me to enter your life and spend time with you. I dont need to get something back, i dont need a position.

You just ... i wish i could ban that question..

Wait for that moment when your at your highest happiest moment, loneliest lowest time, Watch for what your friend will do keep to keep you happy, and get a smile out of that face.

Knowing your story is not enough for me to know you,

its understanding where you're coming from and learning how you deal with everyday that makes the bond tougher.

so...Do not question.

***

Knowing is not enough, understanding is more than enough.

There are things.

There are things you dont need to limit, not need to measure and put a borderline to.

You dont ask why you just know. Sometimes its obvious so you dont have to say it to make any more obvious? You walk the streets because your tired of riding. You find sadness because your always happy. You hit somebody just for fun. Leaning forward to the person next to you when he brought out his phone to check if someone texted. You smile all of a sudden, for no reason at all. You stay in room because you want to. You're reading this when you have a lot more things to do.

There are things...you just do to make everyday different.

and its ok. take life less serious.

Proper introduction

Kung ikaw may bf/gf, dont lose your identity. he/she loved you for who you are and he/she should be ready to love who you will become.

Don't lose your identity, vice versa. Don't lose theirs.

Friend: Oi kamusta, pre?

BF: girlfriend ko si Melissa

MALI! kasi pagkatapos niyan kilala si tanya as girlfriend ni bf. dapat kilala siya as tanya

Friend: Pare, kamusta

BF: Pare, Melissa. Melissa, pare.

or

BF: Melissa, meet my friend pare.

hindi naman siguro stupid yung friend mo diba? para hindi magets. kung hindi niya magets

pag nagtanong si pare kung sino si melissa. dun mo sabihin na girlfriend mo.

panget makilala as "Uy! ikaw yung girlfriend ni ganyan" nawawalan ka ng identity.

When you’re in a shit hole

Have you ever experienced sitting in class and being quiet? When in reality you’re not that type of person. You’re not quiet, you’re usually the one making noise. The one that the teacher hushes during classes. Well it happened to me. That’s when I started thinking…

You get into high school or college and you find your “comfort zone” among the many faces in the crowd. But you have to be careful for those faces can turn to evil glares when you turn your back. Sometimes this jolly person you see, is the number back stabber you’ll ever meet. The person in the group who hangs on to anyone just to stay in the group wouldn’t be there for too long. The bossy will always be shut out. But those who learn to keep things to themselves and does not mind who they are with, will stay. Not necessarily the same crowd but they will stay. It’s hard to find strong friends, strong enough to take in the foul stench of your being.

I’m barely close with anybody because I don’t think I don’t have to be close with everybody. I’m a person hard to understand. That’s why only a few really know me. I’m not complaining, I’m informing. I always loved small circle of friends, it was always better that way. But my perky stature in the society draws in friends, and I can’t help but talk to them. Sometimes you need a breather from the same crowd, you want and find something new. I think this time, ill be thinking about myself. Putting me at the top of my priority list. I’ll think of pleasing myself and making me happy. I always cared for others, and I know I did my part already. Change is a very strong word, and if I do change for this, as long as I’m happy, I won’t change back. I can’t take back what has been lost, I can’t take back what has happened. I’ll just keep moving forward, and whoever stays with me in my journey of life, well I’m thankful and blessed to have you aboard.

Everybody has their shitty days.

Warning: Keep distance

sa kalye maraming signs diba? no u-turn, no left turn, one way, pedxing, no parking. ah basta madami sila. habang nakasakay sa jeep papuntang UST napansin ko ang isang truck na may nakasabit na sign na "Warning: Keep Distance"...

...natulala ako hanggang naramdaman kong magvibrate ang cellphone ko...

bakit kaya ang signs sa buhay natin narerealize lang natin pag nadaanan na?

kung kelan may iba na siya, dun mo malalaman na may gusto pala talaga siya sayo noon kaya pala may moby na iniaabot sayo pag nagkikita kayo

bawat "kamusta?" ng kaibigan mo, may ibig sabihin pa palang mas malalim yun na narealize mo lang nung may umiiyak na.

nung natapos ang kanta nung nagvivideoke dun mo nalaman na nakatingin pala siya sayo, ang kulit mo kasi kung kanikanino ka nakikipagdaldalan

sa bawat sign na madaanan pansin mo may napagiiwanan? hindi lang ikaw ang apektado.

sana lahat ng makikipagfriends sakin alam kung anong pinapasok nilang friendship sa isang tulad ko. haay nako may pagkaweird ako at kung ano ano ang pinag gagawa. masasabi kong ang mga kaibigan kong tumatagal sa kaweirdohan ko ay treasures ko. bihira ang tulad nila kasi kahit nakita na nila ang signboard na nakatatak sa noo ko "warning: keep distance" nandun pa rin sila. they dare stay and be with me. or baka hindi pa nila nakikita yung warning? LOLS

I love you my only bestfriends (jamie, kristine, leyl and lilet), my mom, bebe bros (robin, bodeem rich and zach), ang aking tumatandang childhoodfriends (ricco, luigi, kelby), at ang jomars (josemarie at josemargo) ng buhay ko.

You are my treasures.

Agawan base

pinapanuod ko ang dalawa habang natutuwa at nagkakantsawan...

makakarating ang isa ng 4 na hakbang kalayo sa base nung isa, pero makakatakbo ang bantay at tuluyan susugod sa base ng kalaban.

...

A: hindi mo naman kaya iwanan at irisk ang base mo para habulin ako

B: KAYA! ikaw naman lagi kang nagiisip kaya pigil ang galaw mo

A: at least nagiisip, di katulad mo na sugod lang ng sugod. walang pakielam kahit madapa

B: ok lang madapa! kasama yun sa pag sugod. at least sinubukan ko

A: sinubukan mo kaso walang nangyari.

dumating na sa punto na naging seryoso sila, wala ng tawanan, wala ng ngiti.

ang dalawang base hindi pwede maiwanan, kelangan ipaglaban.

hindi pwedeng hayaan na walang nagbabantay, kundi maagawan.

kelangan marunong ka magrisk, kelangan marunong ka magisip.

hindi pwedeng sugod lang ng sugod, malayo nga ang nahakbang wala naman napala.

hindi rin pwedeng grabe magisip, baka hanggang isang hakbang lang ang mangyari.

kapag nakuha ng isa ang base ng aagawan, tapos ang laro. meron ng panalo.

nakikipalaro ng agawan base ang utak at puso ko sa magiging desisyon ng araw araw ko.

sweetheart

kinailangan kong lumayo sayo, pero hindi ko makakayanan ang desisyong ito.

ayokong isipin at tanggapin ang buhay pag wala ka na.

I know you wont, you cant be there for me till i grow old. kaya ngayon pa lang hinahanda ko na ang puso ko para sa panahon na iyon. pag wala ka na...

pag nakikita kita lagi kitang lalapitan kasi its you who makes me feel the happiest.

ngayon pag nandyan ka na parang gusto ko na lang umiyak at isipin kelan ka ba magiging akin ng tuluyan

pag namromroblema ako, sigurado akong kaya mo ko pangitiin at gawing masaya pero kelangan ko na magisip ng papalit sayo kaso mahirap, kasi nagiisa ka.

walang kasing lambing at 'sing tamis ng iyong pagmamahal. kaya bawat tao na makita kong masaya na nakakasama ka untiunti akong namamatay...kasi dapat AKO, ako ang may hawak sayo.

nanghihina ako ngayon. hindi makakain ng maayos dahil wala ka na.

pilit kong gusto maging manhid, para hindi mo na ako maakit.

hindi ko pa rin matanggap. pero nandito ako, desisyon ko toh. para sa ikabubuti din natin toh.

i miss you.

(no sweets for a week)

dala ng kalituhan

alam mo ba yung tumblr? hindi ko siya maintindihan.

tinitignan ko kung para saan ang mga pindutan don, anong ginagawa nun? tsh

nagtataka ako kung pano ko na "like this" ang reblog ni reyvan

nagulat ako na post na pala ang pic ko, kala ko naguupload ako ng profile pic eh

naguguluhan ako sa bagay bagay, sa mga kaganapan.

so habang nakatulala at pinaglalaruan ang labi ko sa harap screen ng laptop ko...

iniisip ko kung ano ang tumblr, pero higit sa lahat bakita ako nandito?

bago ko ipress yung pindutan na magsasign-in sakin sa tumblr

sabi ko di ko iiwan ang blogger ko "he's my first" (ayyy)

he knows the aggressive side of me, the positions im in, he has that perfect view of me.

(landeh) yes, i love him. he's been in me...he knows the inside of me. (lustful much)

mahirap mangiwan, pero higit sa lahat mahirap maiwanan

si tumblr. pinasok ko ang mundo niya, hindi niya ako pinapapasok. he leaves me full of questions, uncertainties and clueless. im trying to reach out, pero hindi eh. tinatanong ko nga ang followers niya kung pano siya maintindihan pero walang makasagot sakin kung pano.

tumblr. A world im in, but i dont understand why im here.

parang sa puso niya...(sino yung "niya")

***

Be strong for it. Love is not for the weak heart

dala ito ng kagustuhan kong magsulat, at kalituhan sa mga bagay sa tumblr

sa kagustuhan kong ika'y maging akin, kalituhan kung anong rason

(waaah)

Sana

I was sitting in the café, thinking very deeply what to say. And finally when I was composing the speech, the novela building up in my mind, he steps in the room and sits in front of me…

A simple exchange of greeting, an offer for a cup of coffee.

He smiles, holds my hand. I just couldn’t take any more of his sweetness

He’s just too perfect…but…

I slowly drew back my hand to myself and words were just fleeting out of my mouth. One by one

“I know you like me, but you don’t want me…”

he sat back and laid himself cozily on the chair. He knew this was going to be a speech. I continued…

“I’m not asking for any label to be put on us, but I have to put an end to the joy and misery when I’m with you. I make you happy, I know. I also know its not enough. I’m not what you’re looking for everyday, and I don’t think I have to be.”

His mind looks so puzzled, I began to be puzzled too..

“I love you (words were literally flying off) and I don’t know if that’s the way you feel.”

He was about to utter something, but I stopped him. I just had to finish this monologue

“Every time I see you online, when you send me a text message. Especially when its unexpected. Because shamefully I wait for your text. When you comment on my posts. When I see you across the street, when your far and you see me, you smile…its just as if my knees want to beg down the floor and ask you to come to me…I get weak. I just cant help it. my heart throttles…then I snap back to reality. You were never mine, you were yourselfs. you don’t need me, anyone could be in my place...my role in your life is easy…to make you smile everyday. To reassure you that you have me. Anybody would want to be in my place, I can be replaced easily.”

he leans forward, looks at me intently and says, “what’s your point?”

I asked myself what is my point? What is MY POINT…

“My point is…I want to break up with you, before you break up with me”

and to top this dramatic scene, a walk out. I stood up, walked right out of the door and continued to walk…and walk and then I said to myself. “what the f*ck was I doing?”

I was walking and walking. A headache was coming up, such a drama queen I am…then I heard a voice calling out to me…I didn’t turn my back.. I had to be firm with my walk out and I didn’t want to make this any cheesier…he grabbed my hand and said

“you did not pay your bill”

I was in RAGE…I was digging through my bag. Looking for my wallet. I was crying already. If there was such thing as tears falling like its raining cats and dogs. I think I was. I was so pissed he followed me for that? Argh.. I found my wallet, I opened it was taking out the money … then he hugged me.

He whispered “You always knew what to say. Thank you, I love you too. Good bye for now” a smile, wiped my tears he continued “you’re strong, one thing I loved about you” a smirk on his face…then he left

What a scene, what drama this was. There was still a happy ending.

Till we meet again, good sir

Just Me

When will it ever be just ME

My life, my decisions, my mistakes and my victor

Every young girl wanted to be a princess

red carpets always laid in front of your feet

a feast prepared for the ball

a prince charming among the royalties

But where is the fun in that? everyday is fixed.

You wake up, you get dressed.

You smile and wave to everybody even if it’s a grumpy day for you

Your life is all planned and controlled.

I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THAT

I’am Nicole. You are Brix, you are Avi, you are Sonny, You are Robin, Bodee, Rich and Zach. I’am Nicole.

This is my life. You have yours to control.

It should just be ME

My life, my decisions, my mistakes, my victor

yakap na di bibitiw

Lakad ka ng lakad paikot ikot sa walang hanggan

Isip ka ng isip walang pasikotsikot nablablanko ka na

Hawak sariling mga kamay, palibhasa’y wala kang kasama

Titigil, tutulala kasi di mo masabi kung san ka nila pupuntahan

“Hindi nila maintindihan, kasi hindi nila alam”

parang sirang plakang paulit ulit na tumatakbo sa iyong isipan

Uupo sa tuwing nakaramdam ng sakit, nanghihina ka na

Lalabanan, tatayo muli at maglalakad…mahuhulog sa sahig

Isa isa ng papatak ang mga problema sa mata, ang mga luha

Dalawang palad na magtatakip sa iyong kahihiyan

Nakatungo ang ulo, bakas ang kahihiyan.

Makakatulog sa iyak, magigising…

mag-isa…habang yakapyakap ka ng problema.

CASA GA

last year's GA was the first time i ever performed infront of the CA crowd :)

it was rewarding and FUN, though i barely knew the steps.. i dont care i was there performing

this year, im not only performing a piece, im performing MY piece...and it will be much more rewarding and i will have much much more fun :) i cant wait

dancing is one of my true loves. and i dont think it will ever fade away...hopefully

...hmmmmmm

i want a flower when i step of stage. that would top the ice cream :)

OWN THE STEP applies to dancing and life decisions

listen

luha.

kung ako lang ang iniintindi ko feeling ko magiging masaya ako. pero dahil madami akong mahal sa buhay...may katapusan ang kasiyahan. ang problema nila ay problema ko din. hindi nila kasalanan yun, choice ko to empathize and sympathize with them. pero hindi yun ang gusto kong ilabas dito...

choice.

usually things go well for me. for some reason i dont know, everything just falls into its place. i get to cross the raging river because i see the stones i can step on to get to the other side. pero pag dating sa ibang tao...i fight the current...its not mine, its theirs.

he was young. he does whatever he wants to do. no pain, no amount, no nothing can make him stop. is he afraid of anything? maybe. he'd show you he's afraid but he's willing to take it. STRONG? no. strength does not mean tolerating pain, being able to say no bribery. i dont know what strong means. what makes a strong person or whatever.

im at a lost. i dont know what to do with him, he's so young. he does whatever he wants, he doesnt care about what may happen to him. as long as it makes him happy, he's ok with it. he shows me when he's afraid but is able to shrug it off. he's not strong, i see.

he just needs someone who can...

my brother...what happened to you

lobo

tumitibok. tumatakbo. lumalayo. aalis. nalilito.

kelan kaya ako mapapagod

bawat oo may pait na balik

hindi na natuto

bawat isa ay iba

nagtatago sa likod ng ngiti ang sakit, mahirap

nahihirapan. hinihingal. naglalakad. naghahanap

di pa rin ako pagod

kasama ko nanaman ang sarili ko

magisa walang kasama

tatawa. mukhang ok, pero wala ng hangin ang lobo

sino magaabot ng bagong lobo na may hangin?

aantayin ko ang araw na yun.

sana sa pagdating mo, hindi pa rin ako napapagod.

regret

because of that question i got myself thinking for 3days now



i have had quite a number of relationships. some of them just flings but never the less didn't just play around. i took the chance, the risk with my whole heart and never regretted anything.
until last tuesday...

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET..
i was thinking and thinking...wala naman...then thinking and thinking...ok nagiisip ako meaning meron...thinking and thinking... WHY? ... think...
WHY!
yun na yun
I DIDNT ASK WHY

i had 4 boyfriends and quite a number of flings? ok madaming flings fine. when they all left me..i never bothered to ask WHY.

Grade 6.: Together for 4 months, i think. it was a puppy love text thing and good lunches together :) it was cute. Months passed, i felt something wrong :) i was all giggly about it because I knew before hand. i had that sneaky feeling, i was a kid...i barely call this a relationship (now). so there, he called me and told me he's been thinking about this girl lately..i giggled because i knew it wasnt me.. he got kinda pissed so i tried to stop the giggling. Then he told me he liked my good friend dyan, and i said "go! crush ka din nun eh" it was that easy.
but i never asked why her not me

2nd yr HS: My loves for 3 months. i broke a lot of hearts when the world knew i have him, i had 4 suitors then. it was unexpected. it was all of a sudden, it was him and me, it was us. it was a funny relationship. this was a chat, talk, eat thing and sweet see you laters. it was summer time, and if you're a student hiding a relationship summer time was just the hardest. i missed him but...i knew he didn't. we got to talk over the phone. i tried to lambing him but im not really good at that hahaha. (fastforward: back to school) i called him using my cellphone (to their landline he didnt have a cellphone) i asked how he was and all then
he asked "gusto mo pa ba?"i said "ng?" "eto,tayo. gusto mo pa ba ituloy" "ahhh ikaw magdecide" "ehhh ikaw babae ikaw dapat nagdedecide" "sino ba nagsabi na babae dapat magdecide? Go." "wag na lang?" "okay" "okay ka lang?" "yup" "ah cge bye" (drop call) then i found myself singing...IM FREE, FREE. IM FREEEEE yeah.
now, i think. i never asked why it was all of a sudden

4th yr hs: highschool sweethearts for 2 years and 5months. i love listening to problems, he had a lot. i listened. he talked and wept and smiled. i looked at him and thought about it. his heart was pure and all he needed was someone who will accept him and be there for him, little did i know, ill play that part. from his broken heart we started to be friends, then i became his girlfriend. lesson learned: its not my role to mend a broken heart, because i can never patch things that he lost with the other...i didnt hear from him for a month...it was over...then he called...not directly saying it but he wanted me to wait for him til he finds himself. again not my role to play. I said "thank you at least now i know" thats all that mattered to me, to hear him talk...well he didnt say it directly but knowing him i understood.

but i never asked why he didnt contact me for a month.

4th yr college: my source of happiness for 3months. we just clicked, he was adventurous, a thrill seeker, fun, game, mature... he was somewhat like me. it was all so fast. i didnt even see it coming. it was a rollercoaster ride, and oh how i love roller coaster rides. i knew we can deal with anything...hindi pala. I can deal with anything...he couldnt. He was strong, but his heart for me was weak...i understood where he was coming from. it was normal, and i somehow expected the break up but didnt really embraced the thought. mind over matter, but i loved him...it was heart over matter...or maybe it was denial...1 cold week...then my hatest words came out from his mouth "ayaw ko na"...i understood and accepted.

i listened to solemn music and thought "WHY?"

im a hopeless romantic. when it comes to love i never ask why.

why? because i knew them well and i never wasted any moment.

it was a good run... :)

(but i still regret it haha)

mahirap makamiss

andito ako ngayon sa clark pampanga. sa diosdado macapagal international airport, waiting for my flight ng 7am. my family and i are off to hongkong. one of my happy places... 

i love travelling so much. 

but i hate missing people SOOO MUCH.

listahan ng mga namimiss ko:

1. Kuzco (my west highland crossbreed lhasa apso dog)

2. Josemarie Rose Salvador

3. Jamie San Andres

4. Leyl Bartolome

5. Kristine Ezra Roca

6. Rizalette Jona Calimag

7. Pot Bernabe

8. Brezhnev Francisco

9. Milette Ann Dela Cruz and andrei

10. Josemargo Flores 

...yan mga namimiss ko ng bonggang bongga. asaan kaya kayo ngayon?

anong ginagawa niyo? sana masaya kayo. be safe.

I love you the ten of you.  

mahirap akong makamiss. bihira ako makamiss. at pagnakamiss ako. naiiyak ako..oa ba?

medyo care ko. kakausap ko lang kay jose kanina, si number 10. natatawa ako kasi parang ang tagal naming hindi magkikita. ang cute lang eh. nung kelan lang din siya ang company ko nagbreakfast kami sa starbucks...madami masaya ako

I MISS YOU. 

umalis lang ako pero di ko kayo iiwan

cinderella

midnight. tatakbo. maiiwan ang shoe. pahihirapan ng prince ang kanyang mga tao para mahanap siya ulit.

chances, oppurtunities, time. nanghihinayang ako i can do much, experience a lot. pero pigil pa ang lahat, nakapostpone. PG. parental guidance. PC. parents consent. kainis. 

para akong si cinderella na may hangganan ang oras. pero pwede naman kasi pa magstay sa ball kasama ni prince charming, tatanggapin naman siya kahit rags ang suot niya. kung ako lang si cinderella..magstastay ako eh. i had that dance with prince charming and im happy. now its time for him to see who i am, at risk yun. 

EVERYTHING IS A RISK

ang tanong are you willing to take the risk? dalawang tao lang ang matatakot sa risk.

yung nagtry tapos bad experience, at tiyaka yung nakarinig ng kwento nung may bad experience.

dun sa may bad experience. 

How can you experience if all you do is want the good experiences? i mean kung parating good...magiging normal na yan sayo. kasi lagi na nga lang eh. dont let those bad experiences haunt you and kill you from experiencing other stuff. 

ITS OK TO BE AFRAID, but its NEVER OK TO LET IT STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU WANT.

dun sa nakarinig lang ng kwento

naman. ikaw ba siya? bago ka magsalita. subukan mo muna...kung lahat ng kwento ay paniniwalaan mo sinasabi ko sayo ngayon may multo matakot ka! 

joke lang. wag kang mag depend sa kwento kwento. mas maganda pa rin ang 1st hand experience. 

ok lang naman. oo bata pa ako...maeexperience, magagawa ko pa ang lahat. malapit na nga naman gragraduate na ako..

pero kasi darating na ang midnight...yung mga tao na kasama ko ngayon walang kasigurduhan na andito pa sila, baka para sila yung sapatos na maiwan ni cinderella sa stairs. baka kayo yung mga tao na mawala sakin. onti lang ang prince charming friends ko na maghahanap talaga sakin. at pagnahanap ako ng prince charming friends ko, dala dala niya yung mga sapatos kong kaibgan. 

eh pano kung di ako mahanap? hindi na ako ang fit sa shoe size na yun. edi wala na.

ITS A RISK IM WILLING TO TAKE

Single

ayokong nakikita o pinagkakalat na single ako. single single single

naiinis pag kelangan nakastate pa sa fb, plurk, multiply, lalo na sa friendster

para kasing nagpapapansin, parang "hey im single, would love to chat with you"

its like selling yourself...why do you have to sell yourself?

ok maliit na bagay lang toh alam ko. pero nadala ako ng sabihan kasi ako ng isang tao na 

"SINGLE ka lang kasi"

ahhh wala pumalting tenga ko. sapakan na lang oh. joke. 

the why i think is not a result of my civil status. 

its the result of who i am, what i am, and who i am becoming

now, the next time you need my advise...make sure you're ready for it. 

because i dont just talk, i think. i know.

its not wrong to be single. its fun, free and somewhat rewarding..

but it never hurts if you can have fun, you're free when you are in a relationship. 

thats much more rewarding

Para kay Eds

Alam niyo yung kainan sa Asturias, Dapitan. sa dulo, sa tapat ng tapsi. isa sa mga favorite kong kainan kasi favorite ko ang adobo sa gata spicy at adobo diablo nila. lutong bahay dun, try niyo masarap

at sa pag alis mo "thank you for coming" 

 sagot ko "Its my pleasure :)"

Eds,

ang tagal ko ng nasa UST pero ngayon ngayon lang kita napuntahan, nakilala, nakainan.

kakaiba ang lugar mo, may home-y feel to it, kahit na ba ang daming tao sainyo.

para bang may special place ako, kaya ang sarap balikbalikan. ang sarap tumambay, lalo na pag masarap ang pagkain. Your adobo sa gata sa spciy, and adobo diablo is superb...challenge. its a challenge im willing to take :) yehs may ganun. 

ang lapit mo sa lahat. sa AB bldg, sa Tapsi, sa beben beben. pwedeng pwede kita puntahan.

at alam kong pag upo ko sa stool chairs mo may mainit na pagkain na iseserve sakin. 

Maraming salamat eds, sa pagwelcome sakin. na kahit na ang daming tao sa kainan mo binibigyan pansin mo ko. Bawat serving ng pagkain mo'y punong puno ng sarap at naeenjoy ko siya. You're always available, kahit nga nung ondoy diba? kaya mo pa magdeliver. Matibay kang carinderia, masarap kasi ang handa. Alam ko minsan namimili ka kung kanino mo bubuksan ang tindahan mo, kaya mas nagpapasalamat at ang gaan bigla ng treatment mo sakin. 

pagkagraduate ko, wag ka magalala. dadaanan kita.

MARAMING SALAMAT! lalaki pa ang tindahan mo, sasarap pa ang handa mo.

good luck sa business!

and Eds, its my pleasure :)

-nicolai 

AYAW KO UMIYAK

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

lecheng imc toh. ilang imc mtg tayong walang ginawa madami. puro lecture na pwede naman pagaralan sa bahay, magisa.

bakit ngayon niyo lang ibibigay. tapos you expect us to have the merchandises presented to you. tanginayou. dont ever tell me

welcome to the world. pota. do you mean the world is unprofessional. then my god, rip you off your positions. become a student

again. you never taught us the right way. you just told us what we have to give you. stupid. thats not learning. para kaming kumakapa

sa dilim. eh hindi naman kami pinanganak ng magulang namin na bulag. mga leche

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

varsi quit ba o hindi. whats making me stay is the people i love there. naawa pa ako sa eic at maned namin. wala na silang

kaibigan puro aalagaan. its not likely of me to quit. i dont quit. but its the first time i felt this way. tama ba na bumigay o hindi tama

kasi 1st time lang ito.pero bakit ako pumasok kung di ko kaya? ang may mali naman ako hindi ang varsi. bakit ko siya kelangan bitawan

im staying kasi ayaw ko isipin na im quitting is because of marksee. to hell im not that mababaw. whats making me quit i dont like

the rumors, i dont like explainign myself. punyetang chismoso at chismosa. do i have to care? yes. i cant help it. torn torn

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

inconsiderate ass. only thinking of self. all you do is party? grow up. your not a baby boy anymore. you're not at home. you're alone

you decide for yourself. and you wont go anywhere like that. god! why do i have to understand you? pwedeng maging responsable?

tangina. selfish. conceited ass you are. and i cant do anything coz you're my friend. grabe ka! magpasalamat ka nga na andito pa ako

at si mm. iniintindi ang bawat katarantaduhan mo. pota. kung mawala kami. tangina.

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO AYAW KO

pero hindi ko mapigilan.

me to you

:)

when tears fall down your eyes, i sit down beside you, i relax and let you finish crying. 

i relax because i want to show you everything will be fine, nothing to worry about really but i dont want to speak of it because i know you're not ok, so i let you finish crying.

i wont ask you why? who? or what? ill let you work on it alone. i dont want you to be dependent on me, or anybody. because at the end of the day, its you and the world. if you need me, i know you'll talk, you know im always here.

...

dont hide from me, you dont have to. if you intentionally or unintentionally hurt me, its fine. just tell me. id rather hear it from you than anybody else. what is there to hide? say sorry and ill forgive you. understand me though, it will take time for me to forget. dont be ashamed, afraid or hesitant. sit me down, and tell me the truth. id rather know even if it means me getting hurt. lets unload that guilt of yours, and help me mend the pain. we'll get through this.

...

we're not in preschool anymore. even if you hurt me, ill be your friend. 

through the pain, we gain. let the tears fall, shout the pain out. 

im here. 

just a word from you, and ill kill all the monsters under your bed.

i love you. take care.

My Spot

My wednesday loves. Margo, Pot and Brezh. (crush, love, and babyloves)

...insert bambam, bitats, bebay, ging (pam, karla, ayie and christine)  

Your presence never fails to make me smile, 

to spend a day or more with you makes me feel happy inside. 

You guys are my spot. 

one of my happy place. 

ILYSM (eng) YN (tag)

Thank you

Mata Puso Isipan

sabi ng mga matatanda "BUKSAN ANG IYONG MGA MATA" 

pero kulang...kulang. kaya tayo ganito eh kasi yan lang ang tinuro satin. 

buksan natin ang puso at isipan. makiramdam at kumilos. 

napansin ko toh sa sarili ko in class eh. nakaupo ako dun, nakadilat mata pero ... asan ang puso ko? asan ang isipan ko? lumilipad. 

nakabukas ang mata pero walang pinupuntahan. 

photographer ako. mata ang gamit para makakuha ng magandang litrato. pero KULANG pa rin. kelangan ko isipin ang shot, at may passion ako for it. hindi pwedeng gamitng digicam ang dslr, sayang ang shutter life nito. isipin bawat shot...wag sayangin

sa bawat ngiting makita, may ibig sabihin.

panganay ako. 4 na lalaki ang kapatid ko. kung bubuksan ko lang ang mata ko, pwedeng tatanda sila ng walang guidance at walang pupuntahan. hindi ko makikilala ang sarili kong mga kapatid...nakakalungkot

makiramdam, gamitin ang pandinig, panlasa, panamoy.

problema'y wag iyakan. mata. pahingahin ang puso, gamitin ang utak. magisip. kayong matatanda. kami na ba dapat ang umintindi sainyo? kulang kulang ang turo niyo. 

MATA, PUSO, ISIPAN.  wag limitahin ang kakayahan. 

seeing things is fine, but feeling and experiencing is another.

Ideal is not so ideal after all

What is your ideal man? tanong sakin ng isang kaibigan. pero never ko nasagot ng derecho. andami ko kasing gusto at alam kong hindi ko makukuha ang ideal man ko :) it doesnt have to be that way. God has better plans ika-nga

when i was still on the verge of being in love. the man who stood beside me, is my man. not ideal but he is my man. enough said. sometimes the man who is beside you, loving and loving you is better than your ideal man. kaya tsh ideal ideal PWEH

Dreamboy ko :)

I woke up on the right side of the bed. it felt great to be up, kahit na its 7am in the morning. (kasi 10am ako nagigising talaga) It was written all over the sky...today was going to be different. Dreamboy ko!!! nagpaparamdam na siya pagkagising ko pa lang pero ayaw ko siya isipin kasi ayoko magexpect. Kung darating eh darating…PERO…andaming clues kaya ang lakas ng feeling kong darating siya. naexcite ako… so naghanda pa rin ako.

papunta sa school. Habang asa jeep “eh pano kung hindi siya pumunta?” Torture. Dreamboy ko!!! huhu huhu. Nasa klase di mapakali. Ayun labas ako ng labas nagbabakasakali na magpakita na siya. sobrang impatient ko naririnig ko na ang tunog ng relos ko. nakakainis….kelan ka ba darating?

Hanggang…”sir, andito na…” mabilis na tinapos ng professor ang kanyang lesson. At pinalabas na kami… J paglabas ng pintuan…

Isang footspa for me, how sweet. Lumipas ang ilang oras…the largest pool I’ve ever seen…pero hanggang bewang. He didn’t want me to drown. Thoughtful noh? Tapos pagdating sa favorite fast food ko, pili na yung food ko. I didn’t have to choose from all the products J I feel oh so special. To top it all, he made me stay in a home-y place and had food delivered to me na lang.

What a treat, from my dreamboy…ONDOY

… lol

Pangarap kong maexperience ang baha sa AB

– pag bukas ng pintuan ng classmate ko “sir andito na yung baha”

Gusto ko masubukan maglakad sa UST ng naka-paa

– foot spa ito ‘te. Kumikiskis ang paa ko sa ibat ibang texture ng sahig.

Wish kong makita ang UST ng sobrang baha kasi nakikita ko lang sa pics

– para siyang isang malaking pool na hanggang bewang. Wish ko lang makita, pero God gave me more than that…He made me experience it talaga. Yes, naglakad ako sa baha na hanggang bewang.

bakit dreamboy ko si Ondoy? Kasi he made my dreams come true. Mga pangarap ko. ang galing pa kasi lahat nangyari all in one day…

…break na kami pinaalis ko na siya ng bansa. Hindi siya tanggap ng taong bayan ko…

LOL – lakas trip

isa na akong certified thomasian :) yeahboi

ingrata

hindi dapat binibigyan ng oras ang mga ganito, hindi inaaksayahan ng panahon. Sinasayang lang nila ang lahat, mga abuso, at sarili lang ang iniintindi. Hindi marunong magpasalamat, at magbigay pansin sa mga nahihirapan, sa mga nagbibigay ng tulong at oras na sinasakripisyo para sakanila.

Eh paano na kung mawala ang mga taong inaasahan niyo mga ingrata?

Mga matataas ang ihi, na walang namang rason para maging ganon. Walang inatupag kung hindi ang inaalagang reputasyon na wala namang pinupuntahan. Hindi kayo tatagal…

Puro salita walang gawa. Taas noo niyo pang sasabihin na nagdradrama ang tulad ko, eh kung sa alam ko na mas magaling ako sayo. lakas boses niyo pang ipapaalam ang sermon na kahit sa sarili niyo hindi ninyo maitupad.

hindi mo makikita kung gaano ka kaswerte kung sarili mo lang ang tinitignan mo. tumingin sa paligid kasi madaming tumulong, madaming namahagi, madaming rason kaya ka andiyan. Pero wala, palamunin kasi ang utak mo…palamunin ng iisang bagay, tungkol sa sarili mo lang. pano ka uunlad? Pano ka aangat? Wala ka ng pupuntahan diyan ka na lang.

ako na nagsasabi, hindi ka na gagaling. malalaman din ng buong mundo na puro porma ka lang. puro salita. puro ikaw. nakakasuka  

lugar

simula ng lumipat ako sa high school ko, automatic na nagiging close ako sa lower batch hindi ko malaman kung bakit. siguro kasi dapat sila naman talaga ang kabatch ko, mga ka-age ko. medyo nalulungkot nga ako kapag naiisip yun kasi parang pinipilit ko ang sarili ko sa kanila, FC ba? nalulungkot din kasi dun dapat ako. hindi dapat dito. naiyak na ako once tungkol dito, at mukhang maiiyak muli ako. ang bata ko para sa batch ko...minsan ang hirap, minsan masaya. masaya kasi ang gagago nila, masaya kasama. pero something is holding me back something i dont know. pero that thing is not stopping me from being good friends with them. kaso madali ako ma-op sakanila...

akala ko magbabago ang lahat pagdating ko ng college. hindi rin pala. feeling ko nga minsa na-e-epalan na sila sakin. sorry...kagabi naki party ako sa birthday treat ng friend kong lower batch buti na lang at halos lahat kilala ko. masaya sila kasama, kaso yun nga nahihirapan din ako kasi feeling ko epal ako...nyeh dba

ang hirap. kasi sa mga kabatch ko ngayon friends pero madali ako ma-op, naprepressure akong mas lalong umintindi ng bagay bagay. mga lower batch naman na close ko chill lang ako pero andn yung thought na eh hindi naman nila ako kabatch parang nakikisawsaw ako masyado. naiipit ako. tama. naiipit ako. hindi ko alam san ilulugar sarili ko.

hindi ko rin naman masabi. pero masaya ako sa pareho, pero hinahanap ko lang ang pwesto ko. malabo na ba? pero wala akong lugar. malungkot. sana hindi na lang ako lumipat ng school nung gradeschool ako...para kabatch ko ang mga kabatch ko dapat. pero God has much better plans...ngayon habang tinatype ko toh...narealize ko na ginawa toh ni Lord kasi he wants me to be friends with a wider range of friends...why stick with one batch?...if you can have two??

tama nga naman siya! kasi pag hindi ako lumipat at nag miriam all the way ako. sigurado maarte ako ngayon, you'd see me wearing make up? (eeeehhh) maldita everyday, choosy sa friends, mas war freak than now, lantarang mayabang...hindi ko malalaman ang word na crush ng maaga, ang itsura ng abs na akala ko may sakit ako sa bato nung grade school. hahaha

hmmmm thank you.

masubukan nga the whole day as in whole day magsusulat lang ako. ang haba siguro ng blog kong yun...abangan

UPOS

sindi. may simula ang lahat. ang patikim na magpapalibog na gustuhin pa ito, gumagapang na apoy na lalagablab sa iyong puso. aakitin ka’t di mo mamalayang nabibighani ka na, may ngiti na patagong papaslit sa iyong mukha. inaasamasam, nanabik. susubukan mong abutin, makahawak man lang. simula na ito.

hithit. buo ang loob mo, binitawan ang mundo sa iyong paligid. tungkol sayo, storya mo. desisyon mo, according to you ang lahat. may ngitng di mapinta ang saya, parte na siya ng iyong sistema. eto na yung gusto mo. iisa kayo. yakap yakap ang sandaling ito. gusto mo pa sanang patagalin, pero di ka na makahinga.

buga. eto ang mundo mo, binalik ka sa realidad. titignan ang upos ng yosi na kinalat mo. ngingit at masasabi sa sarili "tapos na"

nakita ko ang yosi, at ang mga nagyoyosi. ang bawat stick na maubos ay parang bawat sandali na pahinga na magkaroon ako. maikli. bubunot pa ng isa pang stick, nakakatakam dba? gusto ko yon, gusto ko makasama ang pahinga. desisyon ko naman kung magpapahinga ako eh, nasa akin yun. pahinga. dito ka muna. kaso pag tumagal, nababagot ako. maypagka workaholic ako. at ayun babalik ako sa realidad.

nakakapagod mabuhay pero we still choose to live because there is so much more to do, to experience, to have and meet. Nakakapagod, pagod ako. oo, pero di ko pa rin mapakita. Lagi akong on the go, hyper, people see me play and goof around. I am actually pero may ginagawa ako. ang pagiging hyper ako ay isang wall na tinayo ko para matago ang pagod na nararamdaman ko. pahinga, pahinga ang salitang dapat ibalik sa vocabulary ko.

pahinga – maikling oras na nakalaan para makahinga ka. inhale exhale. tapos balik trabaho na.

*magsusulat pa ako tungkol sa yosi. Di pa dito nagtatapos

commute

naglalakad sa catwalk ng UST, umakyat ng overpass at bumaba. nagabang ng masasakyan. pauwi na ako, gabi na. pagod sa feeling kong isang mahabang araw na anim na oras lang naman ang sinunog ko...

umupo ako sa tabi ng jeepney driver, isa sa mga favorite spot ko. 

malamang wala ako kilala pero yun yung gusto ko (at kinakatakutan ko). 

gusto ko kasi i can have time alone, a literal quiet time. i can think, and enter the greatest world, my imagination. 

...naisip ko na ang daming kwento, ang daming metaphor na pwedeng ihambing sa jeep. ang pagsakay, pagbaba, pagpara, pagabot ng pera, pagsukli...lahat...ang ganda ng means of transportation na ito. daming storya na pwedeng mabuo. 

parang may ibang mundo kasi sa loob ng jeep. di tulad ng bus, ang jeep ipaparamdam pa rin na asa mundo ka pa rin. ipaparamdam ang ulan, ang init, ang sigaw sa kalye, ang bilis ng takbo, ang bawat preno para makita mo ang tao sa paligid. its windows are wide open to give you that touch from the world. which tells you ok lang paganahin ang imahinasyon wag mo lang kalimutan ang tunay na buhay. wag manirahan ng matagal sa mundong ikaw ang nagpapagana ng lahat kasi walang thrill. live in reality. 

...sa tabi lang ho!

bumaba na ako. ano kaya ang susunod kong muni muni sa loob ng mundo kong jeepney

manhid

isa akong masiyahing tao...lagi nakangiti and may energy! go go go! gusto ko nga makaramdam ng pagod, hindi yun alam ko lang na pagod ako...hmmmmm
kung nababasa niyo ang mga past blogs ko eh pansin na puro porblema ang pinaguusapan ko...hindi lang ako masiyahin eh matapang at malakas na tao ako...yun nga sabi ko nga na kahit ano pa yata ang ibato sakin ng mundo eh kaya ko, "if its for me to face then i will". ang tapang ang galing...pero hindi weak ko tsong

weak kasi hindi ko kaya ipakita ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ako nagpapakaplastic hindi ko lang talaga kaya ipakita...kasi ayaw ko magworry ang mga tao sakin, ayaw ko magexplain ng paulit ulit, ayaw ko kaawaan, ayaw ko ng attention, ayaw kong mahawa mga kaibigan ko sa nararamdaman ko at ayaw ko maiyak sa harapan ng iba eh napakaiyakin ko pa naman...hmmmmm at dahil sa mga ayaw kong toh...nagiging manhid na ata ako...natakot ako..ayaw ko maging isang manhid na tao.

ang nakalipas na linggo ay isa sa mga manhid kong linggo. pilit kong pinapaiyak ang sarili ko, pilit kong maging malungkot...kasi feeling ko manhid na ako. iniwan nanaman ako ng taong mahal ko pero hindi hindi ako umiyak kaso masakit sa puso, ang sakit sakit pero hindi ko kaya ipakita eh...diba mas mahirap yun?? kasi you dont get to show what you truly feel...hindi ako plastic, kahit na nahihirapan na ako iniintindi ko pa rin kung paano ko magugulo ang buhay ng mga tao sa paligid ko kung naging sad nga ako. pero anyways manhid...manhid na nga ata ako...

j: how are you
n: im ok
j: plastic mo!
n: the right questions get the right answer. if you ask me are you ok? i will say im ok kasi i am ok. but if you ask me how im feeling? ill tell you im not ok

natigil ako sa sinabi kong yun...napaisip ngayon tinawagan ko ang isa kong kaibigan at dahil may ginagawa siya pinkausap niya muna ako sa isa pa naming kaibigan

t: n! kamusta ka na?
n: im ok
t: kamusta ang puso mo?
n: wag ganun!! (iyak) hindi ok...

...hmmmm thank you T! ang aking kabirthday...maraming maraming salamat the right questions get the right answers..hindi pa nga yata ako manhid...

...andito ako sa opisina..dumating ang kaibigan ko

l: n! may papanuod ako sayo. (nilabas ang mac niya at pinapanuod ako ng video)

hiling by silent sanctuary...hanapin niyo sa youtube panuorin mo...
naiyak ako...na-emo..pero dahil madami kami dito sa opisina ndi ko nanaman napaakita...hmmm

hindi ako manhid,
umiyak ako, kumirot ang puso ko ng mapanuod ko ang video...ngumingiti ako at tumatawa nakakaramdam ako
...ang bigat na sa puso...

manong magaling

si manong magaling ay taong nagmamagaling. normal na tao siya, pero sa loob ng isang araw for sure na may masasabi siyang may sense. lahat naman ng tao ganun pero si manong magaling may conviction. napagdaanan niya kasi, o nakikita niya. napaka normal niyang tao, mas madalas lang talaga siya magisip. mayabang pero may pinagyayabang. kaso ang problema hindi siya maboka..hindi commercial. ayaw niya ng attention. kasi para sakanya iba ang napapansin sa nagpapapansin. iba ang iba sa nagpapakaiba. kaya kung mapapansin mo siya eh yung ay napansin mo siya out of all the normal people. oh dba ang galing? pero kung titignan mo at babasahin mo ulit eh napakasimpleh lang ng kanyang thoughts and ideas may deeper meaning lang at napapaisip ka pag sinabi niya yun kasi ibang view ang nahahatid niya sa iyo. hmmm aliw...

san ko nakita si manong magaling? san ko siya narinig? hindi ko sasabihin. pero malalaman niyo din..habang di pa siya sikat ako muna ang makakaalam kung sino siya. ha? darating din

sigaw

Ako

Ako ang taong magaling. Yabang noh? Lagi ko tong sinasabi sa mga tao pag nangangamba sila para sakin, or pag hindi kami sigurado sa mangyayari.

Ganito kasi yun ako ang tao pag alam pang kaya gagawa at gagawa ako ng paraan.

Kahit ano pa yan. Kapag walang lighter para sa sigarilyo, may posporo naman.

Hindi ako nagyayabang, gusto ko lang malaman nila na kahit anong mangyari eh may paraan, nagkakataon lang na lahat ng gusto kong paraan eh natutupad. At kung hindi naman, may paraan pa rin.

I was able to develop the skill of being resourceful, of being strong enough to take risks and handle problems like I’m embracing them.

I’m a strong person, and no matter how hard the problem is, if it’s for me to face

I’ll take it.

Ang problema

Tao tayo, madaming pinoproblema. ok

Ang puno bumubunga kung dinidiligan mo.

Ang apoy lumalaki kung binubuhusan mo pa ng gas.

Ang pusa bumabalik balik kung tinatapunan mo ng pagkain.

Ganyan ang problema.

Magsisimula sa maliit na bagay, bubunga

Magsisiimula sa isang sigaw, liliyab ng sobra.

Ang problema babalik at babalik kung pakakainin mo pa.

Eto talaga ang problema. We see things sa isang view lang. na pag nahanap mo na ang feeling mong kasagutan sa problema, tumitigil ka na. kasi yun na ang sagot para sayo.

Nahanap mo ang FEELING mong sagot until marealize mo napapacify lang ang sakit na dinaranas mo. pano kung di gumana ang anting anting na suot mo? pano kung nagising ka na sa pantasya mo? HALA!

Gising bata! Harapin ang problema.

Ikutin mo ang lumiliyab na apoy, hanapin ang ugat ng puno, pagutumin mo ang pusang ligaw. Hanggang mahanap mong ang sagot ng problema ay nasa iisang sigaw

SIGAW

Makibaka makibaka, patalsikin si **! Sigaw ng mga nagrarally. Pero wala akong pakielam sa mga sumasama. Kasi sumasama lang naman sila pamparami lang, para mukhang malaki ang movement. Mga useless na tao pero hindi sila ang concern ko. Ang concern ko eh yung taong may hawak ng megaphone. Hindi ko alam ang tawag sa taong yun, pero siya ang gusto ko sa lahat ng nagrarally. may gusto siya, at gusto niyang may mangyari. Isang araw na lang nagising siya, nagisip isip at gumawa ng desisiyon na ito ang gusto niyang ipaglaban. Sigaw ng puso, isang malupit na desisyon.

SIGAW.

Pag gumawa ka ng desisyon, panindigan mo.

makikita mo kung saan-saan ka dadalihin nito.

Make that one strong decision and shout it til the whole world hears it.

Making a decision is a start, facing the consequences is the race you have to end J

After the race, you’re stronger. You’d want to race again. if not, you know how to handle it the next time.

Ako, ang Problema, at Sigaw.

Lumakas loob ko pagkatapos ng bawat problema. Ang sikreto?

Ang sigaw ng puso ko.

Nagets mo ba?